Medical Definitions
We've all heard about men having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed,
the definition for each listed below...
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you
still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and liquor, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on
the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both clearly
result in death.
"Life consists not of holding good cards but in playing those you hold well."
What's in a Name?
An Otea Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and shaman of
the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the
white men have short names - Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"
His father replied, "Well, you see, my son, our names represent a
symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture, not like the white men, who
live all together and repeat their names from generation to
generation. Also, it is part of our heritage that in spite of
everything, we survive. For example, your sister's name is Small
Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there
was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake. Then there is your
brother, Big White Horse Of The Prairies, because he was born on a day
that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world
appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and
the life force of our people. It's very simple and easy to
understand."
"Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?"
the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the
white men have short names - Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"
His father replied, "Well, you see, my son, our names represent a
symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture, not like the white men, who
live all together and repeat their names from generation to
generation. Also, it is part of our heritage that in spite of
everything, we survive. For example, your sister's name is Small
Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there
was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake. Then there is your
brother, Big White Horse Of The Prairies, because he was born on a day
that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world
appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and
the life force of our people. It's very simple and easy to
understand."
"Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?"
Pancackes
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."
The Sermon
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"
The preacher said, "No shit?"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"
The preacher said, "No shit?"
Teenage Sex
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom, you don't have to worry about that. I'm dating Susan!"
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom, you don't have to worry about that. I'm dating Susan!"
End of the Honeymoon
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon, honey?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned home, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean all these awful 4-letter words. You've gotta take me home...PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "Calm down. You need to stay with your husband and work this thing out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful. PULEEZE, COME GET ME, MAMA!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has gotten you so upset. Tell your mother about those horrible 4-letter words."
Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama...he used words like: dust, wash, iron, and cook."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," the mother said.
"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon, honey?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned home, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean all these awful 4-letter words. You've gotta take me home...PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "Calm down. You need to stay with your husband and work this thing out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful. PULEEZE, COME GET ME, MAMA!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has gotten you so upset. Tell your mother about those horrible 4-letter words."
Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama...he used words like: dust, wash, iron, and cook."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," the mother said.
Boy and his Train
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her
five-year-old son playing with his new electric train
in the living room. She heard the train stop and her
son saying, "All you bastards who want off, get the
hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you
bastards who are getting on, get your asses in the train,
'cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't
use that kind of language in this house. Now I want
you to go to your room and you are to stay there for
two hours. When you come out, you may play with your
train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and
resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped
and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who
are disembarking the train, please remember to take
all your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling
with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She then hears the boy continue, "For those o f you
just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage
under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the
train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing
journey with us today." Just as the mother began to
smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed
off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in
the kitchen."
five-year-old son playing with his new electric train
in the living room. She heard the train stop and her
son saying, "All you bastards who want off, get the
hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you
bastards who are getting on, get your asses in the train,
'cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't
use that kind of language in this house. Now I want
you to go to your room and you are to stay there for
two hours. When you come out, you may play with your
train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and
resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped
and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who
are disembarking the train, please remember to take
all your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling
with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She then hears the boy continue, "For those o f you
just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage
under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the
train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing
journey with us today." Just as the mother began to
smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed
off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in
the kitchen."
Pilot Conversations
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff line: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign: Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff line: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign: Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
Camping Trip
Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her
husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered
to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together
and assigned different duties to each scout.
Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would
be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their
maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide
on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule
and Sally would test all their equipment before setting
out.
They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was
excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting
ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain.
But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally
asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course,
Mike said he would.
About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally,
"I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with
the matches you brought."
Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches should
be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we
left."
husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered
to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together
and assigned different duties to each scout.
Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would
be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their
maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide
on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule
and Sally would test all their equipment before setting
out.
They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was
excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting
ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain.
But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally
asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course,
Mike said he would.
About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally,
"I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with
the matches you brought."
Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches should
be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we
left."
UCLA Study
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his forehead while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his forehead while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected
LET HIM DIG
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......"
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