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A daily joke blog.

Elderly Couple

An elderly man was visiting the doctor for a routine check up. The doctor gives him the all clear and asked him, "Is there anything else bothering you?" The elderly man answered, "Well I find that the first time my wife an I have sex im hot and sweaty afterwards, but the second time I feel cold and chilly afterwards." The doctor told him he couldn't explain it but would look into it.

Later on that day the same doctor was examining the elderly mans wife and asked her the same question, "Is there anything else bothering you? Your husband claims that he feels hot and sweaty after the first time you have sex, but cold and chilly after the second time. Can you explain?"

"That stupid bastard," the woman answered.

"That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is in December!"

Little Johnny

Little Johnny had a cussing problem, and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.
"I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the son of a bitch!!"

50th Anniversary

With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the Temple's marriage marathon, the Rabbi asked the husband, Ralph, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The Rabbi inquired, "Trips to where?"

"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."

The Rabbi then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"

"I'm going to go get her."

A Redneck Comback

Two businessmen in Birmingham, Alabama are sitting in their soon-to-be new store...as yet, the store isn't ready - only a few shelves are set up.
One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some redneck is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious redneck walks to the window, has a peek and asks, "What y'all sellin' here?"
One of the men, being a smartass, replies, "Oh! We're selling assholes here."
Without skipping a beat, the redneck says, "Well, I see y'all are doing really good, you only got two left!"

Old Prospector and the Gunslinger

An old prospector walked his tired old mule into this western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail .

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon. He had a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other hand. He looked at the old man and laughed. Then he said "Hey old man have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at him and said "No I never did dance, I just never did want to". A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said "Well you old fool you're gonna dance now". And he started shooting at the old man's feet. The old man was hopping around and every body was laughing.

He fired his last bullet then holstered his gun and he turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man reached up on the mule got his shotgun and pulled the hammers back making a clicking sound. The gunslinger heard this then every thing got quiet. He turned around and was looking at both barrels aimed at him. The old man asked him" Did you ever kiss a mule right on the ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed then said "No, but I've always wanted to”

Two Tourists

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"


The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.

Tax Plans Explained

If you don't understand the Democrats' version of tax refunds, maybe this will help explain it:

5,000 people go to a baseball game, but the game was rained out. A refund was then due. The team was about to mail refunds when a group of Congressional Democrats stopped them and suggested that they send us the ticket refunds based on the Democrat National Committee's interpretation of fairness.

Originally the refunds were to be paid based on the price each person had paid for the tickets. Unfortunately that meant most of the refund money would be going to the ticket holders that had purchased the most expensive tickets.

This, according to the DNC, is considered totally unfair. A decision was then made to pay out the refunds in this manner:

People in the $10 seats will get back $15. After all, they have less money to spend on tickets to begin with. Call it an "Earned Income Ticket Credit."

Persons "earn" it by having few skills, poor work habits, and low ambition, thus keeping them at entry-level wages.

People in the $25 seats will get back $25, because it "seems fair."

People in the $50 seats will get back $1, because they already make a lot of money and don't need a refund. After all, if they can afford a $50 ticket, they must not be paying enough taxes.

People in the $75 luxury box seats will each have to pay an additional $25 because it's the "right thing to do."

People walking past the stadium that couldn't afford to buy a ticket for the game each will get a $10 refund, even though they didn't pay anything for the tickets. They need the most help. Sometimes this is known as Affirmative Action.

Now do you understand?

If not, contact Speaker Nancy Pelosi for assistance.

Little Boy And Girl

Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girl's house. One day he is carrying a football, and he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says

"See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!"


The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and
buys the girl a football. The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah!"


The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't
have them!"

Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boy's bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his most private of parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!"

The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl, "Well, what do you have to say NOW?"

So she pulls up her dress and says... "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"

Dancing Duck

A guy walks into a bar & sees a crowd gathered around one end of the bar, cheering some kind of performance. He edges in & sees an amazing sight...a duck tap dancing on an overturned crock pot! Amazing! Hew´s so taken with the act that he corners it´s owner & says, "I run a circus & that´s the most amazing act I´ve ever seen! I´ll give you $25,000 cash for him right now!" The owner agrees, takes the cash & gives the guy the duck and the crock pot.

A week later the owner gets an enraged call from the entrepreneur ... "You Thief! You Cheat! You Fraud! I´m going to sue you for every penny you've got! I spent thousands on publicity and had a complete sell-out! All the media people were there! Celebrities! Politicians! Anybody who was anybody was there! I had special music written for him! The crowd hushed as the red velvet curtains parted & the spotlight hit him in his custom-made tuxedo and patent leather tap shoes...and he just stood there on that damned crock pot and looked at the audience while the band played! I'm ruined!
A laughing stock! But you won´t get away with it! You´ll pay for this!"

In a calm voice the owner replied, "Did you remember to light the candle under the crock pot?"