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A daily joke blog.

New Orleans

This happened on a flight getting ready to depart for New Orleans.
Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.
"What's the matter?" Jack asked.
"I've been transferred to New Orleans, there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."
Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

The Cannibal Cafe

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?"

The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one?" They're full of shit!

Your Pet's Diaries

The Dog's Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


The Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now..

The Obedient Wife

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his
money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to
take all my money and put it in the casket with me.

I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he
died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in
black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony and just before the undertakers got
ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her. She came over with the box and put it in the
casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So, her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all
that money in there with your husband?"


The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my
word.

I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with
him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
exclaimed the friend.

"Sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Dentures

A couple of old guys were golfing one day, when one of the men said that he was going to go to Dr. Basil for a new set of dentures in the morning. His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first old gentleman asked." Did he do a good job?" The second gent replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot.

The ball must have been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the testicles." The first old guy was confused and asked, "What does that have to do with your dentures?" The second man answered, "That was the first time in two years that my teeth didn't hurt."

Children and the Church

A little boy was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man
marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an
answer so quickly.

"How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said.

"All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said,

4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'?

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly
announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when
I grow up."

"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"

"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday
anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than
to sit and listen."

?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?




A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church
service, "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who
passed trash against us."

?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?




A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.

"How do you know what to say?" he asked.

"Why, God tells me."

"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?


A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and
on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,

"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o??

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny
sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car........ His
father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up
in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"

?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o??



Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their
favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which
showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it
was meant to represent.

"The Flight to Egypt ," was his reply .

Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph,
and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?"

"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"



?
º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º


The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you
say prayers before eating?"

"No sir," little Johnny replies, I don't have to. My mom is a good
cook."

?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?





?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?

This is the best one.



A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a
bedtime story.

From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up
to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own
cheek, then his again.

Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."

"Oh," she paused, "grandpa, did God make me too?"

"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while
ago."

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting
better at it, isn't he ?

Three Labs

3 Labrador retrievers (chocolate, yellow and black) are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.
The black lab turns to the chocolate and says, "So why are you here?"
He replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything -- the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna give me Prozac", came the reply from the chocolate lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."
He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I crossed the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.
"Looks like Prozac for me too", the dejected yellow lab said. The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for.
"I'm a humper", the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped
on her back and started humping away."
The yellow and chocolate labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?" The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

Muscular Contractions

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular
Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was
not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood
slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you
know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied,

"Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class