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A daily joke blog.

Safe Sex

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her
husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was
not sure that it was such a good idea.

'Do you enjoy it?' the doctor asked.

'Actually, yes, I do.'

'Does it hurt you?' he asked.

'No. I rather like it.'

'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you
shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as
you take care not to get pregnant.'

The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'

'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think politicians come from?'

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your Mom
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook Does he get drunk on beer
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores
Why did your Mom marry your dad
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world.? And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms & dads
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your Mom do in her spare time
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room Clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

BAPTIST DINNER FOR EIGHT

A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get
together on a regular basis to socialize, and play games. The lady of the house
was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all
the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak, but, mushrooms are
expensive. She then told her husband, 'No mushrooms. They are too high.'

He said, 'Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms?
There are plenty in the creek bed.'

She said, 'No, some wild mushrooms are poison.'

He said, 'Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.'

So, Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and
diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave
Ole' Spot's (the yard dog) a double hand ful.

Ole ' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ole' Spot and the
wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to
help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played Phase 10 and
Mexican train dominoes. About then, the helper lady from town, came in and
whispered in Janet's ear, 'Mrs. Williams, Ole' Spot just died'

Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor
and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, 'That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call
for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone
enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach.

Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.'

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.

The EMTs and the doct or had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and
pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out
and said, 'I think everything will be fine now.' Then he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room, and about this
time, the helper lady came in and said, 'You know, that fellow that ran over
Ole' Spot never even stopped.

Ode to a fart

A fart, it is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent , and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

But that farts are all bad,
Is simply not true
We must never forget.......
Nice old farts like you!

Kinda brings a tear to your eye -
doesn't it?

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to

the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.



A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will

be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and

pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man

says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."





The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."



Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.



This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"

asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and

a salad," says the man.



"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."



Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and

places it on the table.



The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,

sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change

in your pocket every time?"



"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and

found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered

me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,

I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money

would always be there."



"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a

million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want

for as long as you live!"



"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact

money is always there," says the man.



The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"



The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick

with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

THE LITTLE RED HEN (TODAY'S VERSION)

The little red hen called all of her Democrat neighbors together and said, 'If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?'




'Not I,' said the cow.




'Not I,' said the duck.




'Not I,' said the pig.




'Not I,' said the goose.




'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did. The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain.




'Who will help me reap my wheat?' asked the little red hen.




'Not I,' said the duck...




'Out of my classification,' said the pig.




'I'd lose my seniority,' said the cow.




'I'd lose my unemployment compensation,' said the goose.




'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did.




At last it came time to bake the bread.




'Who will help me bake the bread?' asked the little red hen.




'That would be overtime for me,' said the cow.




'I'd lose my welfare benefits,' said the duck.




'I'm a dropout and never learned how,' said the pig.




'If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination,' said the goose.




'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen.




She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, 'No, I shall eat all five loaves.'




'Excess profits!' cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)




'Capitalist leech!' screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)




'I demand equal rights!' yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)




The pig just grunted in disdain. (Barney Frank)




And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.




Then the farmer (Obama) came. He said to the little red hen, 'You must not be so greedy.'




'But I earned the bread,' said the little red hen. 'Exactly,' said Barack the farmer. 'That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle.'




And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, 'I am grateful, for now I truly understand.'




But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the 'party' and got her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.




Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared..so long as there was free bread that 'the rich' were paying for.

Finally

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

She remarried a third time and this time had 5 more children.

She finally died after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and mother and said, 'Lord, they're finally together.'

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,
'Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?'

The friend replied, 'I think he means her legs.'

Government Truisms

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose
you were a member of Congress. But then
I repeat myself. - Mark Twain
..................................................................................................................


I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into
prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and
trying to lift himself up by the handle.
- Winston Churchill
.........................................................................................................................




A government which robs Peter to pay Paul
can always depend on the support of Paul.
- George Bernard Shaw
...........................................................................................................................


A liberal is someone who feels a great debt
to his fellow man....which debt he proposes
to pay off with your money. - G. Gordon Liddy
...........................................................................................................................


Democracy must be something more than
two wolves and a sheep voting on what to
have for dinner. - James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
..........................................................................................................................


Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer
of money from poor people in rich countries
to rich people in poor countries. - Douglas Casey,
Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown Univ.
..........................................................................................................................




Giving money and power to government is like
giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
...........................................................................................................................



Government is the great fiction, through which
everybody endeavors to live at the expense of
everybody else. - Frederic Bastiat, French
Economist (1801-1850)
.........................................................................................................................


Government's view of the economy could be summed
up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps
moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
- Ronald Reagan (1986)
.........................................................................................................................



I don't make jokes. I just watch the government
and report the facts. - Will Rogers
.......................................................................................................................


If you think health care is expensive now,
wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
- P.J. O'Rourke
.....................................................................................................................



In general, the art of government consists
of taking as much money as possible from one
party of the citizens to give to the other.
- Voltaire (1764)

....................................................................................................................



Just because you do not take an interest
in politics doesn't mean politics won't take
an interest in you! - Pericles (430 B.C.)
....................................................................................................................



No man's life, liberty, or property is safe
while the legislature is in session.
- Mark Twain (1866)
.............................................................................................



Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
- Unknown
......................................................................................................................




The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal
sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing
of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
- Winston Churchill
................................................................................................




The only difference between a tax man and a
taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
- Mark Twain
..........................................................................................................................



The ultimate result of shielding men from the
effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
..........................................................................................................................



There is no distinctly native American criminal
class...save Congress. - Mark Twain
............................................................................................................................




What this country needs are more unemployed
politicians. - Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)
...........................................................................................................................



A government big enough to give you everything you
want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
- Thomas Jefferson
....................................................................................................

"Government is not the solution to our problem;
government is the problem. if no one among us is
capable of governing himself, then who among us
has the capacity to govern someone else?"
- Ronald Reagan, First Inaugural Address, 1/20/1981

Animals that were formerly self-sufficient are now showing signs of Democratic Party influence...

They have apparently stopped foraging and have learned to simply sit and wait for the government to provide for their care and sustenance.



The photo below captures a disturbing trend that is beginning to affect wildlife in the US.

Notice to All Employees

As of November 5, 2008, IF President Obama is officially elected into office, our company will instill a few new policies which are in keeping with his new, inspiring issues of change and fairness:

1. All salespeople will be pooling their sales commissions into a common pool that will be divided equally between all of you. This will serve to give those of you who are underachieving a “fair shake.”

2. All hourly employees will be pooling their wages, including overtime, into a common pool, dividing it equally amongst yourselves. This will help those who are “too busy for overtime” to reap the rewards from those who have more spare time and can work extra hours.

3. All top management will now be referred to as “the government.” We will not participate in this “pooling” experience because the law doesn't apply to us.

4. The “government” will give eloquent speeches to all employees every week, encouraging its workers to continue to work hard “for the good of all.”

5. The employees will be thrilled with these new policies because it's “good to spread the wealth.” Those of you who have underachieved will finally get an opportunity; those of you who have worked hard and had success will feel more “patriotic.”

6. The last few people who were hired should clean out their desks. Don't feel bad though, because President Obama will give you free healthcare, free handouts, free oil for heating your home, free food stamps, and he'll let you stay in your home for as long as you want even if you can't pay your mortgage. If you appeal directly to our democratic congress, you might even get a free flat screen TV and a coupon for free haircuts (shouldn't all Americans be entitled to nice looking hair?) !!!

Comeback!

Father Quinn rose from his bed early one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:

'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you? And the best of the day te yerself.'

'This is Father Quinn at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o 'yer lads to take care of the matter?'

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,

'Well now, Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!'

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment ......

Then Father Quinn replied: 'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.
'

The Caring Lawyer

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back
of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by
the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he
got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said
to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second
man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task,
even for a car as large as the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you
are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home
is about two feet tall!"

Fellow Business Executives:

As the CFO of this business that employees 140 people, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our next President, and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.
To compensate for these increases, I figure that the clients will have to see an increase in our fees to them of about 8% but since we cannot increase our fees right now due to the dismal state of our economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This has really been
eating at me for a while, as we believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who will have to go.
So, this is what I did. I strolled thru our parking lot and found 8 Obama bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the first to be laid off. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. These folks wanted change; I gave it to them.
If you have a better idea, let me know.
Sincerely,
Your Boss

Grampa

A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a
grandpa and his poorly behaving 3 year-old grandson. At
every turn. Its obvious gramps has his hands full with the
kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the
cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda. Meanwhile
gramps is working his way around saying in a controlled
voice, "Easy Albert, we won't be long, easy
boy"
Another outburst and she hears gramps calmly say,
"It's OK Albert, just a couple more minutes and
we'll be outta here, hang in there.

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items
from the cart and gramps again in a controlled voice is
saying, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get
upset -- we'll be home in five minutes; stay cool,
Albert".

Very impressed the woman goes up to gramps as he's
loading the kid and the groceries into the car and says,
"You know sir, it's none of my business, but you
were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. The
whole time you kept your composure and no matter how loud
and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things
would be OK. Albert is very lucky to have you for his
grandpa".

"Thanks, lady," said gramps, "but
I'm Albert -- the little shit's name is
Johnny".

RYE BREAD

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you
have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves. She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves..by the time
you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied , "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this but me."

No Hard Feelings...

From Republicans to Democrats
The election day is over,
The talking is done.
My party lost, your party won.
So let us be friends,
Let arguments pass.
I'll hug my elephant,
You kiss your ass.

Modern Little Red Hen

The little red hen called all of her Democrat neighbors together and said, 'If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?'


'Not I,' said the cow.

'Not I,' said the duck.

'Not I,' said the pig.
'Not I,' said the goose.

'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did. The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain.



'Who will help me reap my wheat?' asked the little red hen.

'Not I,' said the duck...

'Out of my classification,' said the pig.

'I'd lose my seniority,' said the cow.

'I'd lose my unemployment compensation,' said the goose.

'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did.

At last it came time to bake the bread.


Who will help me bake the bread?' asked the little red hen.


'That would be overtime for me,' said the cow.

'I'd lose my welfare benefits,' said the duck.

'I'm a dropout and never learned how,' said the pig.

'If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination,' said the goose.

'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen.

She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, 'No, I shall eat all five loaves.'

'Excess profits!' cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)

'Capitalist leech!' screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)

'I demand equal rights!' yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)

The pig just grunted in disdain. (Barney Frank)

And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.


Then the farmer (Obama) came. He said to the little red hen, 'You must not be so greedy.'

'But I earned the bread,' said the little red hen. 'Exactly,' said Barack the farmer. 'That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle.'

And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, 'I am grateful, for now I truly understand.'

But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the 'party' and got her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.




Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared..so long as there was free bread that 'the rich' were paying for.

Howard Stern interviews Obama voters

Freaking hysterical.
http://www.bpmdeejays.com/upload/hs_sal_in_Harlem_100108.mp3

Typical Democrat voters

Not a funny matter.... our economy and how we got here.

While this blog is typically dedicated to humor, we'll post this about the worst joke in the past 10 years. The Community Reinvestment Act.


Wedding Blues

There was an elderly couple who were both widowed.

They had been going out with each other for a long time, and urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of sex, so he came right out with it.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

She thought a moment, then ventured, 'I would like it infrequently. '

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, 'Is that one word or two?'

BBQ ain't a verb!

While this is funny, its actually some pretty darn good pickin'. Its also a pretty good description of the Southern states.




IMPORTANT QUESTIONS:

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?


Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?


Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?


Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?


Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?


Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?


Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?


Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?


Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?


If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?


Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?


Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?


Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?


Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? A phenomena known as carpetuation!


Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?


How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?


When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot?'


Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?


In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?


How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?


And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.


2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.


3. Avoid arguments with your partner about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink


4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.


5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.


6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.


7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.


8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.


9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.


11. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.


12. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

Why I decided to retire when I did...

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice Factory, but I got canned. I couldn''t concentrate.



2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn''t hack it, so they gave me the axe.



3. After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn''t suited for it; —mainly because it was a sew-sew job.



4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.



5. Then, I tried to be a Chef—; figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn''t have the thyme.



6. Next, I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn''t cut the mustard.



7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually, I found I wasn''t noteworthy.



8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn''t have any patience.



9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn''t fit in.



10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn''t live on my net income.



11. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.



12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn''t fit for the job.



13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian —until I realized there was no future in it.



14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.



15. SO, I tried retirement and found that I''m perfect for the job!

Little Boys, Old Men, Peas & Marbles

I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes.
I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean,
hungrily appraising a basket of freshly picked green peas.

I paid for my potatoes, but was also drawn to the display of fresh green
peas.

I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I
couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store
owner) and the ragged boy next to me.

'Hello Barry, how are you today?'

'H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas. They sure
look good.'

'They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?'

'Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time.'

'Good. Anything I can help you with?'

'No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas.'

'Would you like take some home?' asked Mr. Miller.

'No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with.'

'Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?'

'All I got's my prize marble here.'

'Is that right? Let me see it' said Miller.

'Here 'tis. She's a dandy.'

'I can see that. Hmmmmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go
for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?' the store owner asked.

'Not zackley but almost.'

'Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this
way let me look at that red marble', Mr. Miller told the boy.

'Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller.'

Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me.

With a smile said, 'There are two other boys like him in our community,
all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with
them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever.

When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he
decides he doesn't like red after all and he send s them home with a bag
of produce for a green marble or an orange one, when they come on their
next trip to the store.'

I left the store smiling to myself, impressed with this man.

A short time later I moved to Colorado, but I never forgot the story of
this man, the boys, and their bartering for marbles.

Several years went by, each more rapid than the previous one.

Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho
community and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died.

They were having his visitation that evening and knowing my friends
wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them.

Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of
the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.

Ahead of us in line were three young men.

One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark
suits and white shirts...all very professional lookin g.

They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her
husband's casket.

Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly
with her and moved on to the casket.

Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man
stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in
the casket.

Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.

Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and reminded her
of the story from those many years ago and what she had told me about her
husband's bartering for marbles.

With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.

'Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about. They
just told me how they appreciated the things Jim 'traded' them.

Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or
size....they came to pay their debt.'

'We've ne ver had a great deal of the wealth of this world,' she confided,
'but right now, Jim would consider himself t he richest man in Idaho '.

With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased
husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.

The Moral : We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind
deeds. Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments
that take our breath away.

Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles ~ A fresh pot of coffee you
didn't make yourself.

An unexpected phone call from an old friend.

Green stoplights on your way to work.

The fastest line at the grocery store.

A good sing-along song on the radio.

Your keys found right where you left them.

Send this to the people you'll never forget.

I just Did...

If you don't send it to anyone, it means you are in way too much of a
hurry to even notice the ordinary miracles when they occur.

It's not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of
life you have lived!

Tuti Homini

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, 'Tuti Homini' - Blessed be Mankind.

A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They had noticed that the pope blessed all Mankind but not Womankind.

The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, 'Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini' - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind and asked if he could also bless gay people.
The Pope said, 'Sure'.
The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, 'Tuti Homini, et Tuti
Femini, et Tuti Fruiti.'

Mugger

Late one night in the Washington D.C. a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"

50 Years of Marriage

Well there was this couple who had been married for
50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table
that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife,
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah", she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we
were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know", the old man said, "We were probably sitting
here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well", Granny snickered, "What do you say...should
we?" Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat
down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly
replied, "My nipples are as hot for you as they were
fifty years ago.

"I
wouldn't be surprised", replied Gramps. "One's in
your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.

Dear Abby

I am a 60-year-old woman who is married to a man who acts like he hates me.

In public, he pretends he loves me and talks about how wonderful I am. But

in private, he shakes his finger in my face and calls me the "B" word. He

constantly tells me how ugly I am without make-up. I've tried everything,

including a face-lift, botox treatments, and a chin tuck. I even went on a

diet and lost 20 pounds.



He quit his job a few years ago after having an affair with a woman in his

office. He hasn't even looked for another job. We haven't slept together

since I confronted him about the affair. He denied it, of course, but

everybody knew it. It wa s humiliating. I believe he is still messing around.



While we both want to sell this house, we argue constantly about when to

put it on the market. The house we want will be available in a few months.

My husband wants to put our house on the market now. I think we should

wait a while. He has already started collecting boxes and packing up his

stuff. Do you think he is planning to leave me?



Signed,

Worried in NY


Dear Worried in NY:

I doubt it. He wants to move back into the White House as much as you do.

Old Timer

Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot Building Supply when they collide. The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?'

The old timer says.... .. 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for Yours.'

Most Old timers are helpful like that!

Shipwrecked

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.

That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again..

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

Stranded

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a
deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on
the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly
not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and
closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a
small boat or even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited
black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear,
there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The
glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman
and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been
since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that,
she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket
on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out
a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it,
and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorra,"said the
man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great
a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of
good Irish whiskey" asked the blonde. Trembling, the
castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the
blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a
pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar
of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "Tis truly
fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly
unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the
middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked,
"And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his
knees and sobbed; "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've
got golf clubs in there too!

Politics Explained

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts
them
in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of
the
cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them
and put
them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by
ex-chicken
farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from
the
chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the
regulations say you need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to
take
care of them and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of
them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them,
but the
government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of
them
and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts
you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the
milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick
someone to
tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what
you
can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk
them.
Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down
the
drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the
missing
cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair
price or
your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy
a
bull.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take
harmonica lessons.

TWO OLD MEN

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.

AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.

THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY
TEETH WITH HER!'

A Day at the Counselor

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?' The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf."

Bear Warning

In light of the rising frequency of human conflicts with bears in the field, the Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and be observant.
They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing, so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper spray.

The Southern Baptist Bra

A man walks into the lingerie department of Macy's in New York City. He tells the sales lady, 'I would like a Southern Baptist bra for my wife, size 34B.'
With a quizzical look the sales lady asks, 'What kind of bra?'
He repeats, 'A Southern Baptist bra. My wife said to tell you that she wanted a Southern Baptist bra, and that you would know what she wanted.'
'Oh, yes, now I understand,' says the sales lady.> > 'We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra.'
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asks, 'So, what are the differences?' The sales lady responds. 'It's really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.'
He muses on that information for a minute and says, 'Hmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Southern Baptist bra do?'
'Ah,' she replied, 'the Southern Baptist bra makes mountains out of molehills.'

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING!

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties.
These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or
leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence
On My VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the
baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill
for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share
half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when
confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never
happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was
raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get
out?

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour
every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank
until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through
mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to
send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a
doctor. Now what do I do?

Remember all these people can vote.......

Olympic Wrestling Matchup

An Olympic wrestler from the United States is about
to face the international champion, a huge Russian,
in his weight class. As the match is about to begin,
his coach warns him, "Don't let him get you into the
Double Pretzel Bend -- no one can get out of that hold
once it's applied!" The wrestler agrees to do his best
and runs to the center of the mat to meet his opponent.

Well, the match starts and as things would go, the American
wrestler finds himself caught in the Russian's double
pretzel bend. His shoulder blades are getting pushed
closer and closer to the mat -- it's almost over. He
looks up towards the ceiling and sees this guy's testicles
hanging inches from his face. So he thinks, what the
hell, I'm about to lose the match -- so he chomps down
.. HARD!

The next thing you know, there's an unnerving scream
of pain, the American and Russian wrestlers seem to
explode off the mat, and when the all is said and done,
the American ends up on top of the Russian and pins
him. As he walks off the mat, his coach greets him
and says, "That was incredible, I've never seen anyone
escape the Double Pretzel Bend. How in the world did
you do it?" The American wrestler replies,

"Anything is possible after you bite your own nuts!!!"

Barbie

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's testicles
!!

Two little boys

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.

The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.

As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.

" Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she asks as she shook the older boy in anger.

"We were just playing 'church' mommy, " he said.
"And I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes."

Missing Husband

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his
wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She
told him ' Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift
in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6
seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!' The next morning
Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife
woke, she looked out the window and sure enough there
was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the
driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She
opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Rick
has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

The Outhouse

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around
when she hollers out....
"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."




Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse,
looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin
wrong with the outhouse! "


Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"


Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see
what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole,
looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong
with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole,
then starts yelling, "Ma!
Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

Old Words....New Meanings

1. Coffee: (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted: (adj.) appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate: (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade: (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-Nilly: (adj.) impotent.
6. Negligent: (adj.) absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph: (v.) to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle: (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence: (n.) emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash: (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle: (n.) a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude: (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon: (n.) a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster: (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism: (n.) the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent: (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Polite Way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to
teach good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if
you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her
that you have to go to the bathroom? "Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go
pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What
about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really
need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.""That's better, but it's still not
very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Edward,
can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say:
Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear
friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner." The teacher fainted.

LEAVING WORK EARLY

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female Boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls
decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know
They went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening,
spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was
elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a
dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but
when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see
her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept
out
of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to
leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with
them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."