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A daily joke blog.

Oh the pain!

A pastor asked if any one in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain.

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation.

They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim and the wire wrapping he has.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "Good morning, I'm her husband and I just want to tell my wife ONCE AGAIN...the word is....STERNUM!!"

Tour of the South

Of course Georgia has no problems!
Alabama:
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck'Where's Henry?' the others asked.
'Henry had a stroke of some kind He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.'
You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.
'A tough call,' nodded the hunter.
'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'
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Louisiana:
A senior at LSU was overheard saying , 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .'
When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
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Mississippi:
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'
Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?
'The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got the license number.'
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Tennessee:
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
The trooper asked, 'Got any ID?'
The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'
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Arkansas:
A man in Little Rock had a flat tire, pulled onto the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'
The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'
The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.'
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And my favorite:
You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North

The Eulogy of Common Sense

London Times Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense Interesting and sadly
rather true.

'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has
been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since
his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be
remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to
come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't
always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in
charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job
that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent
to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform
parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and
criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took
a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home
and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her
lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his
wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is
survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone
Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim

Tooth

A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.
The wife said, "I need a tooth pulled. I don't want any Nitrous or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry.
I just want the tooth pulled as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave woman," said the dentist.
"Now, show me which tooth it is."

The wife turns to her husband and says:
"Open your mouth and show the dentist
which tooth it is, dear."

FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE

'Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those
who do not.' ~ Thomas Jefferson

An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.

A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.

Gun control is not about guns, it's about control.

If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.

Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.

If you don't know your rights, you don't have any.

Those who trade liberty for security have neither.

Guns only have two enemies; rust and politicians.

The Second Amendment is in place in case the
politicians ignore the others. also the reason
for the above.

64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.

You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.

Assault is a behavior, not a device.

Criminals love gun control; they call it 'Job Safety'

Only a government that is afraid of its
citizens tries to control them.

You have only the rights you are willing to fight for.

Southern Terrorist Advisory Atlanta

The governors of Alabama, South Carolina, Arkansas, Georgia, and
Mississippi announced today that they have made a disturbing
discovery in their states. Apparently, a small number of Al Qaeda
terrorists have become romantically involved with local redneck girls.
The result is not pretty and they now have the sad task of reporting
the creation of a new sector of the human race: Islamabubbas.

So far, only a smattering of actual births have been reported, but
Pat Robertson's Christian Coalition is hard at work trying to isolate
and seal them off. To date, the Coalition has identified the following
children:

Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba
Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin Boudit
Mohammed Forrest Gumpa Bubba
Mohammed Rubba Dub Dubba Bubba
Bobbie Joe Bubba Amgood Atat
Betty Jean Hasbeena Badgurl
Linda Sue Bin There Dundat

Not surprisingly, the Coalition believes they all seem to have
sprung from one couple:

Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and Yomamma Bin Lovin.