Late one night in the Washington D.C. a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"
50 Years of Marriage
Well there was this couple who had been married for
50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table
that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife,
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah", she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we
were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know", the old man said, "We were probably sitting
here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well", Granny snickered, "What do you say...should
we?" Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat
down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly
replied, "My nipples are as hot for you as they were
fifty years ago.
"I
wouldn't be surprised", replied Gramps. "One's in
your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.
Dear Abby
I am a 60-year-old woman who is married to a man who acts like he hates me.
In public, he pretends he loves me and talks about how wonderful I am. But
in private, he shakes his finger in my face and calls me the "B" word. He
constantly tells me how ugly I am without make-up. I've tried everything,
including a face-lift, botox treatments, and a chin tuck. I even went on a
diet and lost 20 pounds.
He quit his job a few years ago after having an affair with a woman in his
office. He hasn't even looked for another job. We haven't slept together
since I confronted him about the affair. He denied it, of course, but
everybody knew it. It wa s humiliating. I believe he is still messing around.
While we both want to sell this house, we argue constantly about when to
put it on the market. The house we want will be available in a few months.
My husband wants to put our house on the market now. I think we should
wait a while. He has already started collecting boxes and packing up his
stuff. Do you think he is planning to leave me?
Signed,
Worried in NY
Dear Worried in NY:
I doubt it. He wants to move back into the White House as much as you do.
In public, he pretends he loves me and talks about how wonderful I am. But
in private, he shakes his finger in my face and calls me the "B" word. He
constantly tells me how ugly I am without make-up. I've tried everything,
including a face-lift, botox treatments, and a chin tuck. I even went on a
diet and lost 20 pounds.
He quit his job a few years ago after having an affair with a woman in his
office. He hasn't even looked for another job. We haven't slept together
since I confronted him about the affair. He denied it, of course, but
everybody knew it. It wa s humiliating. I believe he is still messing around.
While we both want to sell this house, we argue constantly about when to
put it on the market. The house we want will be available in a few months.
My husband wants to put our house on the market now. I think we should
wait a while. He has already started collecting boxes and packing up his
stuff. Do you think he is planning to leave me?
Signed,
Worried in NY
Dear Worried in NY:
I doubt it. He wants to move back into the White House as much as you do.
Old Timer
Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot Building Supply when they collide. The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.
The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'
The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'
The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?'
The old timer says.... .. 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for Yours.'
Most Old timers are helpful like that!
The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'
The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'
The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?'
The old timer says.... .. 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for Yours.'
Most Old timers are helpful like that!
Shipwrecked
A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.
That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again..
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.
That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again..
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
Stranded
One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a
deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on
the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly
not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and
closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a
small boat or even a raft.
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited
black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear,
there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The
glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman
and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been
since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that,
she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket
on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out
a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it,
and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorra,"said the
man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great
a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of
good Irish whiskey" asked the blonde. Trembling, the
castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the
blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a
pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar
of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "Tis truly
fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly
unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the
middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked,
"And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his
knees and sobbed; "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've
got golf clubs in there too!
deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on
the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly
not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and
closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a
small boat or even a raft.
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited
black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear,
there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The
glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman
and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been
since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that,
she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket
on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out
a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it,
and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorra,"said the
man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great
a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of
good Irish whiskey" asked the blonde. Trembling, the
castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the
blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a
pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar
of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "Tis truly
fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly
unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the
middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked,
"And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his
knees and sobbed; "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've
got golf clubs in there too!
Politics Explained
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts
them
in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of
the
cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them
and put
them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by
ex-chicken
farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from
the
chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the
regulations say you need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to
take
care of them and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of
them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them,
but the
government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of
them
and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts
you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the
milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick
someone to
tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what
you
can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk
them.
Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down
the
drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the
missing
cows.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair
price or
your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy
a
bull.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take
harmonica lessons.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts
them
in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of
the
cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them
and put
them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by
ex-chicken
farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from
the
chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the
regulations say you need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to
take
care of them and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of
them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them,
but the
government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of
them
and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts
you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the
milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick
someone to
tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what
you
can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk
them.
Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down
the
drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the
missing
cows.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair
price or
your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy
a
bull.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take
harmonica lessons.
TWO OLD MEN
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'
'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'
HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'
'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY
TEETH WITH HER!'
AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'
'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'
HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'
'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY
TEETH WITH HER!'
A Day at the Counselor
A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?' The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf."
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?' The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf."
Bear Warning
In light of the rising frequency of human conflicts with bears in the field, the Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and be observant.
They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing, so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper spray.
They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing, so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper spray.
The Southern Baptist Bra
A man walks into the lingerie department of Macy's in New York City. He tells the sales lady, 'I would like a Southern Baptist bra for my wife, size 34B.'
With a quizzical look the sales lady asks, 'What kind of bra?'
He repeats, 'A Southern Baptist bra. My wife said to tell you that she wanted a Southern Baptist bra, and that you would know what she wanted.'
'Oh, yes, now I understand,' says the sales lady.> > 'We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra.'
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asks, 'So, what are the differences?' The sales lady responds. 'It's really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.'
He muses on that information for a minute and says, 'Hmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Southern Baptist bra do?'
'Ah,' she replied, 'the Southern Baptist bra makes mountains out of molehills.'
DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING!
Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties.
These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or
leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence
On My VCR?
Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the
baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill
for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share
half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when
confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never
happen again.
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was
raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get
out?
Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour
every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank
until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through
mental pause.
Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to
send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a
doctor. Now what do I do?
Remember all these people can vote.......
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties.
These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or
leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence
On My VCR?
Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the
baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill
for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share
half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when
confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never
happen again.
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was
raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get
out?
Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour
every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank
until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through
mental pause.
Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to
send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a
doctor. Now what do I do?
Remember all these people can vote.......
Olympic Wrestling Matchup
An Olympic wrestler from the United States is about
to face the international champion, a huge Russian,
in his weight class. As the match is about to begin,
his coach warns him, "Don't let him get you into the
Double Pretzel Bend -- no one can get out of that hold
once it's applied!" The wrestler agrees to do his best
and runs to the center of the mat to meet his opponent.
Well, the match starts and as things would go, the American
wrestler finds himself caught in the Russian's double
pretzel bend. His shoulder blades are getting pushed
closer and closer to the mat -- it's almost over. He
looks up towards the ceiling and sees this guy's testicles
hanging inches from his face. So he thinks, what the
hell, I'm about to lose the match -- so he chomps down
.. HARD!
The next thing you know, there's an unnerving scream
of pain, the American and Russian wrestlers seem to
explode off the mat, and when the all is said and done,
the American ends up on top of the Russian and pins
him. As he walks off the mat, his coach greets him
and says, "That was incredible, I've never seen anyone
escape the Double Pretzel Bend. How in the world did
you do it?" The American wrestler replies,
"Anything is possible after you bite your own nuts!!!"
to face the international champion, a huge Russian,
in his weight class. As the match is about to begin,
his coach warns him, "Don't let him get you into the
Double Pretzel Bend -- no one can get out of that hold
once it's applied!" The wrestler agrees to do his best
and runs to the center of the mat to meet his opponent.
Well, the match starts and as things would go, the American
wrestler finds himself caught in the Russian's double
pretzel bend. His shoulder blades are getting pushed
closer and closer to the mat -- it's almost over. He
looks up towards the ceiling and sees this guy's testicles
hanging inches from his face. So he thinks, what the
hell, I'm about to lose the match -- so he chomps down
.. HARD!
The next thing you know, there's an unnerving scream
of pain, the American and Russian wrestlers seem to
explode off the mat, and when the all is said and done,
the American ends up on top of the Russian and pins
him. As he walks off the mat, his coach greets him
and says, "That was incredible, I've never seen anyone
escape the Double Pretzel Bend. How in the world did
you do it?" The American wrestler replies,
"Anything is possible after you bite your own nuts!!!"
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