Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around
when she hollers out....
"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse,
looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin
wrong with the outhouse! "
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see
what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole,
looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong
with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole,
then starts yelling, "Ma!
Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"
Old Words....New Meanings
1. Coffee: (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted: (adj.) appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate: (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade: (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-Nilly: (adj.) impotent.
6. Negligent: (adj.) absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph: (v.) to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle: (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence: (n.) emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash: (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle: (n.) a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude: (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon: (n.) a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster: (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism: (n.) the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent: (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
2. Flabbergasted: (adj.) appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate: (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade: (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-Nilly: (adj.) impotent.
6. Negligent: (adj.) absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph: (v.) to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle: (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence: (n.) emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash: (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle: (n.) a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude: (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon: (n.) a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster: (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism: (n.) the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent: (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Polite Way to Pee
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to
teach good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if
you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her
that you have to go to the bathroom? "Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go
pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What
about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really
need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.""That's better, but it's still not
very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Edward,
can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say:
Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear
friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner." The teacher fainted.
teach good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if
you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her
that you have to go to the bathroom? "Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go
pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What
about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really
need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.""That's better, but it's still not
very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Edward,
can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say:
Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear
friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner." The teacher fainted.
LEAVING WORK EARLY
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female Boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls
decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know
They went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening,
spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was
elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a
dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but
when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see
her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept
out
of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to
leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with
them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls
decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know
They went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening,
spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was
elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a
dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but
when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see
her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept
out
of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to
leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with
them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."
Young Love
Little Johnny had a next door neighbor, Little Susie.
They had been telling everyone that they were going
to get married. One day Susie's Dad was mowing his
yard and saw Little Johnny playing next door.
He called the boy over to the fence, and said, "Johnny,
I hear that you're going to marry my daughter."
Johnny said, "Yes, Sir. We're gonna get married."
Susie's father asked, "How do you intend to support
yourselves?"
Johnny answered, "We have it all figured out. I make
75 cents a week, and she makes 50 cents a week. We
can cover it."
Susie's father continued with the questioning and asked,
"But what about kids?"
Johnny responded, "Oh, we've been lucky so far."
They had been telling everyone that they were going
to get married. One day Susie's Dad was mowing his
yard and saw Little Johnny playing next door.
He called the boy over to the fence, and said, "Johnny,
I hear that you're going to marry my daughter."
Johnny said, "Yes, Sir. We're gonna get married."
Susie's father asked, "How do you intend to support
yourselves?"
Johnny answered, "We have it all figured out. I make
75 cents a week, and she makes 50 cents a week. We
can cover it."
Susie's father continued with the questioning and asked,
"But what about kids?"
Johnny responded, "Oh, we've been lucky so far."
Perhaps the best scam ever
It is amazing what kind kind of brilliant scams people thing of.
Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam. A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check. After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers money in the form of a company check. However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother to present these to their banks.
The name of the company is ‘The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company’.
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