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A daily joke blog.

Safe Sex

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her
husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was
not sure that it was such a good idea.

'Do you enjoy it?' the doctor asked.

'Actually, yes, I do.'

'Does it hurt you?' he asked.

'No. I rather like it.'

'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you
shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as
you take care not to get pregnant.'

The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'

'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think politicians come from?'

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your Mom
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook Does he get drunk on beer
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores
Why did your Mom marry your dad
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world.? And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms & dads
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your Mom do in her spare time
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room Clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

BAPTIST DINNER FOR EIGHT

A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get
together on a regular basis to socialize, and play games. The lady of the house
was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all
the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak, but, mushrooms are
expensive. She then told her husband, 'No mushrooms. They are too high.'

He said, 'Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms?
There are plenty in the creek bed.'

She said, 'No, some wild mushrooms are poison.'

He said, 'Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.'

So, Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and
diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave
Ole' Spot's (the yard dog) a double hand ful.

Ole ' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ole' Spot and the
wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to
help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played Phase 10 and
Mexican train dominoes. About then, the helper lady from town, came in and
whispered in Janet's ear, 'Mrs. Williams, Ole' Spot just died'

Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor
and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, 'That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call
for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone
enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach.

Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.'

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.

The EMTs and the doct or had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and
pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out
and said, 'I think everything will be fine now.' Then he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room, and about this
time, the helper lady came in and said, 'You know, that fellow that ran over
Ole' Spot never even stopped.

Ode to a fart

A fart, it is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent , and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

But that farts are all bad,
Is simply not true
We must never forget.......
Nice old farts like you!

Kinda brings a tear to your eye -
doesn't it?

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to

the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.



A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will

be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and

pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man

says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."





The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."



Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.



This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"

asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and

a salad," says the man.



"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."



Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and

places it on the table.



The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,

sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change

in your pocket every time?"



"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and

found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered

me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,

I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money

would always be there."



"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a

million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want

for as long as you live!"



"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact

money is always there," says the man.



The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"



The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick

with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."