RSS
A daily joke blog.

Going fishing

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took
place.

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing
this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the
house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her
a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will
remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a
word. So they asked him. You haven't said anything about what you had to do
to be able to come fishing this weekend. " What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: " I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off
my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, " Fishing or Sex" and she said, "
Wear a Sweater."

Peter and the Elephant

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in
Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University

On a hike through the bush, he came
across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in
the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter
approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the
elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply
embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could,
Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the
elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to
face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face,
stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood
frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked
away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of
that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking
through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they
approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures
turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son
Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at
Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it
down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted
loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter
could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and
made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the
elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted
again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and
slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.


Probably wasn't the same elephant.

This is for all of my friends who send me those heart-warming stories.

The Undertaker

Roy, an undertaker in Pennsylvania came home with a black eye.

"What happened to you?" asked his wife."

I had a terrible day," replies Roy ."I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep.

When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a
Body bag because he had this huge erection.

Anyway, I find the room and, sure enough, there's this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.

So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."

"I see," says his wife. "But how did you get the black eye?"

Roy replies, "Wrong room!"

How would you pronounce this child's name?

OKAY. How would you pronounce this child's name: "Le-a" ???

Leah?? NO

Lee - A?? NOPE

Lay - a?? NO

Lei?? Guess Again.

This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced "Ledasha", When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.

If they axe you why, tell them the dash don't be silent.

Church Funnies

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, 'I'm not going.'
'Why not?' she asked.
I'll give you two good reasons,' he said. '(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them.'
His mother replied, 'I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church.
(1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!'

The Picnic
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
'This baked ham is really delicious,' the priest teased the rabbi. 'You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell m e, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?'
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, 'At your wedding.'

The Usher
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps, 'Where would you like to sit?' he asked politely.
'The front row please,' she answered.
'You really don't want to do that,' the usher said 'The pastor is really boring.'
'Do you happen to know who I am?' the woman inquired. 'No.' he said. 'I'm the pastor's mother,' she replied indignantly.
'Do you know who I am?' he asked. 'No.' she said. 'Good,' he answered and walked away.


The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
'I've had a pretty good life,' the twenty proclaimed. 'Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean '
'Wow!' said the one-dollar bill. 'You've really had an exciting life!'
'So tell me,' says the twenty, 'where have you been throughout your lifetime?'
The one dollar bill replies, 'Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church '
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, 'What's a church?'

Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly priest for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the priest asked their son what they were having. 'Goat,' the little boy replied.
'Goat?' replied the startled man of the cloth, 'Are you sure about that?'
'Yep,' said the youngster. 'I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'