After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his buddies. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and mallet.
'What's with that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock? You're not serious?' asked his astonished friend.
'Yup,' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked.
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'
A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder
A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder
On Michael Jackson’s Death…
......... .. … … .. …..
... . .. … . . . .. . .. . .. …. .. .. . … ..
.... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... ....... ... ... ... .... ..... .. .
... . . … .. . . . ..
.... . .... ... .... .... ...
....... .... .... .... ..... ..... ..... .. . . .... .....
.. .. .
.. . .. . .. . ...
........ ... ... ... .. ... ........ ... .. .... ... ... .... ....
.. .. .. .
... ....
... . . . . . .. .. … ..
... .... ... ... ... ....... ...... .....
Deep stuff.
I nearly cried when he said “. .. . . . .. .. … ... .. . . .... ....”
On Michael Jackson’s Death…
......... .. … … .. …..
... . .. … . . . .. . .. . .. …. .. .. . … ..
.... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... ....... ... ... ... .... ..... .. .
... . . … .. . . . ..
.... . .... ... .... .... ...
....... .... .... .... ..... ..... ..... .. . . .... .....
.. .. .
.. . .. . .. . ...
........ ... ... ... .. ... ........ ... .. .... ... ... .... ....
.. .. .. .
... ....
... . . . . . .. .. … ..
... .... ... ... ... ....... ...... .....
Deep stuff.
I nearly cried when he said “. .. . . . .. .. … ... .. . . .... ....”
Tailgater
A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up..
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door . She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake.
You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.'
I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do bumper sticker,
the 'Choose Life' license plate holder,
the 'Follow Me to Sunday -School' bumper sticker,
and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally..I assumed you had stolen the car.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up..
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door . She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake.
You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.'
I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do bumper sticker,
the 'Choose Life' license plate holder,
the 'Follow Me to Sunday -School' bumper sticker,
and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally..I assumed you had stolen the car.
Liver and Cheese
There's a Chihuahua and a Pit Bull sitting at the bar.
In walks a hottie of a Poodle, strutting her stuff.
The bartender bets both of them that they could not
pick up on her, with a line using the words "liver"
and "cheese".
The Pit Bull goes first and walks proudly over to her
and says "I got some liver back at my place." She turns
her nose up, and looks the other way. He then says "I
bet when you cut the cheese, it smells sweet." She
almost gagged with disgust, and was getting ready to
walk out, when the Chihuahua rolls up, and says "Liver
alone, cheese mine!"
In walks a hottie of a Poodle, strutting her stuff.
The bartender bets both of them that they could not
pick up on her, with a line using the words "liver"
and "cheese".
The Pit Bull goes first and walks proudly over to her
and says "I got some liver back at my place." She turns
her nose up, and looks the other way. He then says "I
bet when you cut the cheese, it smells sweet." She
almost gagged with disgust, and was getting ready to
walk out, when the Chihuahua rolls up, and says "Liver
alone, cheese mine!"
Married in Heavan
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple
are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find
themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting
for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting,
they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married
in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter
says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has
asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed
and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they
discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in
Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. "What
if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together
FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns,
looking somewhat bedraggled. Yes," he informs the couple,
"you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering,
what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce
in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard
onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months
to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long
it'll take me to find a LAWYER?"
are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find
themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting
for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting,
they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married
in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter
says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has
asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed
and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they
discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in
Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. "What
if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together
FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns,
looking somewhat bedraggled. Yes," he informs the couple,
"you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering,
what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce
in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard
onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months
to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long
it'll take me to find a LAWYER?"
The Senior Center
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you
all into a trance - I intend to hypnotize each and every
member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew
a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The
polished metal gleamed in the light.
Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your
eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's
been in my family for six generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while
quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch
the watch ....
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back
and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until,
suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to
the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.
'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.
It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center.
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you
all into a trance - I intend to hypnotize each and every
member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew
a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The
polished metal gleamed in the light.
Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your
eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's
been in my family for six generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while
quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch
the watch ....
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back
and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until,
suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to
the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.
'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.
It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center.
The Pope Meets Nancy
The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Madame Speaker and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before. To make it a little more interesting, Madame Speaker says to the Pope, "Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand
I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually,the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do..
"That was impressive, the Pope says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."
The speaker seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her.
The Madame Speaker and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before. To make it a little more interesting, Madame Speaker says to the Pope, "Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand
I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually,the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do..
"That was impressive, the Pope says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."
The speaker seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her.
The New Orleans Saints New Quarterback
The coach had put together the perfect team
for the New Orleans Saints.
The only thing that was missing was a good
quarterback. He had scouted all
the colleges and even the Canadian and
European Leagues, but he couldn't
find a ringer who could ensure a Super
Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he
saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan .
In one corner of the background,
he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier
with a truly incredible arm. He
threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th
story window 100 yards
away.
KABOOM!
He
threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a
chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing
car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach
said to himself. "He has the perfect
arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great
game of
football.
And the Saints go on to win the Super
Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great
hero of football, and when the
coach
asks him what he wants, all the
young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he
says into the phone, "I just won the Super
Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old
Muslim woman says."You are not
my
son!
"I don't think you
understand, Mother," the young man pleads.
"I've won the
greatest
sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands
of my
adoring
fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother
retorts. "At this very moment, there are
gunshots all around us. The
neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
brothers were beaten within
an inch of their lives last week, and I have to
keep your sister in the
house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady
pauses
and then
tearfully says,
"I will never
forgive you for making us move to New Orleans!"
for the New Orleans Saints.
The only thing that was missing was a good
quarterback. He had scouted all
the colleges and even the Canadian and
European Leagues, but he couldn't
find a ringer who could ensure a Super
Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he
saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan .
In one corner of the background,
he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier
with a truly incredible arm. He
threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th
story window 100 yards
away.
KABOOM!
He
threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a
chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing
car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach
said to himself. "He has the perfect
arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great
game of
football.
And the Saints go on to win the Super
Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great
hero of football, and when the
coach
asks him what he wants, all the
young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he
says into the phone, "I just won the Super
Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old
Muslim woman says."You are not
my
son!
"I don't think you
understand, Mother," the young man pleads.
"I've won the
greatest
sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands
of my
adoring
fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother
retorts. "At this very moment, there are
gunshots all around us. The
neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
brothers were beaten within
an inch of their lives last week, and I have to
keep your sister in the
house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady
pauses
and then
tearfully says,
"I will never
forgive you for making us move to New Orleans!"
The Proud Mother
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor asked, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno ."
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor asked, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno ."
Dying Cajun
An elderly cajun man lay dying in his bed. While
suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly
smelled the aroma of his favorite beignets wafting up the
stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from
the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled
downstairs. When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he
leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if
not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in
heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the table
were hundreds of his favorite beignets.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love
from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world
a happy man? He threw himself towards the table, landing on his
knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the
wondrous taste of the beignets was already in his
mouth.With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of
the table, when suddently he was smacked with a wooden
spoon by his wife.
"Stop," she said. "Those are for the funeral."
suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly
smelled the aroma of his favorite beignets wafting up the
stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from
the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled
downstairs. When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he
leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if
not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in
heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the table
were hundreds of his favorite beignets.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love
from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world
a happy man? He threw himself towards the table, landing on his
knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the
wondrous taste of the beignets was already in his
mouth.With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of
the table, when suddently he was smacked with a wooden
spoon by his wife.
"Stop," she said. "Those are for the funeral."
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