March 19 was Einstein's birthday. He would have been 128.
Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.
He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed.
He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.
This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.
Let the beatings begin
Atlanta, Ga. (AP) -A nine-year old boy was at the center of a Douglas
County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over
who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law
and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest
degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his
aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live
with her.
When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the
Boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the
remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence
was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the
unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have
custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody of the minor
child to the Atlanta Falcons, whom the boy firmly believes are not
capable of beating anyone.
County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over
who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law
and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest
degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his
aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live
with her.
When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the
Boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the
remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence
was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the
unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have
custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody of the minor
child to the Atlanta Falcons, whom the boy firmly believes are not
capable of beating anyone.
Honeymoon Night
Fred and Mary got married but couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says, "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom, getting aggravated, replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says, "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom, getting aggravated, replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
YOUR HAIR SMELLS GOOD!
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in Human Resources and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in Human Resources and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."
Costume Ball
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited
to a fancy costume ball. He doesn't know what to wear
to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a costume
company and explains the problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.
"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The
spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with
your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just
been very politically incorrect by emphasizing his wooden
leg, so he writes a very rude letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note
which says, "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find
enclosed a monks habit. The long robe will cover your
wooden leg, and with your bald head you will really
look the part." Now the man is really annoyed since
they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing
his bald head. He now writes the company an extremely
rude letter about being politically incorrect.
The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which
reads: "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel.
Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your
wooden leg up your ass, and go as a candied apple!"
to a fancy costume ball. He doesn't know what to wear
to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a costume
company and explains the problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.
"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The
spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with
your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just
been very politically incorrect by emphasizing his wooden
leg, so he writes a very rude letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note
which says, "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find
enclosed a monks habit. The long robe will cover your
wooden leg, and with your bald head you will really
look the part." Now the man is really annoyed since
they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing
his bald head. He now writes the company an extremely
rude letter about being politically incorrect.
The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which
reads: "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel.
Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your
wooden leg up your ass, and go as a candied apple!"
Not Your Mama's Chili...
A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
Chemical Analysis
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SYSTEM - MATERIAL SAFETY
DATA SHEET
WOMEN: A Chemical Analysis
ELEMENT: Woman
SYMBOL: Wo
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 118 lbs., but known to vary
from 75 to 550 lbs.
OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities throughout the world
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered with a painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal
to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum,
and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning,
and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased
by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.
TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in
natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several
can be maintained at different locations as long as
specimens do not come into direct contact with each
other.
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET - MATERIALS
SAFETY DATA SHEET
MEN: A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
ELEMENT: MAN
SYMBOL: Ego
DISCOVERER: Eve. Discovered by accident one day
when she had a craving for ribs.
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 170 lbs, known to vary
from 98 to 360 lbs.
OCCURRENCE: Large quantities in all populated
areas. Highly concentrated deposits at all sporting
events and areas known as "singles bars".
Extremely low quantities can be found in any location
where cleaning up is required. (See Women and Slave
Labor)
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface often covered with hair--bristly in some
areas, soft in others.
2. Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with
Logic and Common Sense.
3. Melts if treated like a God.
4. Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle
with extreme caution.
5. Specimens can be found in various states ranging
from deeply sensitive to extremely thick.
6. Becomes stubborn and unyielding when pressure is
applied; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery
are applied.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Is repelled by concentrated quantities of precious
and semi-precious metals and stones (See Jewelery Store).
However, is attracted to quantities of these when viewed
worn against the skin of a woman. It is believed woman's
skin combines with the aforementioned to create a highly
magnetic attraction for this element.
2. May explode spontaneously if wallet is opened.
3. Requires copious quantities of substances known as
attention, reassurance, and stroking.
4. When saturated with Alcohol will be fairly inert
and will repel most other elements.
5. Is repelled by most household appliances and common
household cleansers.
6. Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers,
particularly those of the malodorous variety.
7. Is rendered non-functional when confronted with the
items in #5 & #6.
8. Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.
9. Is impervious to embarrassment.
10. Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent
known to woman.
DATA SHEET
WOMEN: A Chemical Analysis
ELEMENT: Woman
SYMBOL: Wo
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 118 lbs., but known to vary
from 75 to 550 lbs.
OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities throughout the world
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered with a painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal
to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum,
and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning,
and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased
by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.
TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in
natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several
can be maintained at different locations as long as
specimens do not come into direct contact with each
other.
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET - MATERIALS
SAFETY DATA SHEET
MEN: A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
ELEMENT: MAN
SYMBOL: Ego
DISCOVERER: Eve. Discovered by accident one day
when she had a craving for ribs.
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 170 lbs, known to vary
from 98 to 360 lbs.
OCCURRENCE: Large quantities in all populated
areas. Highly concentrated deposits at all sporting
events and areas known as "singles bars".
Extremely low quantities can be found in any location
where cleaning up is required. (See Women and Slave
Labor)
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface often covered with hair--bristly in some
areas, soft in others.
2. Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with
Logic and Common Sense.
3. Melts if treated like a God.
4. Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle
with extreme caution.
5. Specimens can be found in various states ranging
from deeply sensitive to extremely thick.
6. Becomes stubborn and unyielding when pressure is
applied; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery
are applied.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Is repelled by concentrated quantities of precious
and semi-precious metals and stones (See Jewelery Store).
However, is attracted to quantities of these when viewed
worn against the skin of a woman. It is believed woman's
skin combines with the aforementioned to create a highly
magnetic attraction for this element.
2. May explode spontaneously if wallet is opened.
3. Requires copious quantities of substances known as
attention, reassurance, and stroking.
4. When saturated with Alcohol will be fairly inert
and will repel most other elements.
5. Is repelled by most household appliances and common
household cleansers.
6. Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers,
particularly those of the malodorous variety.
7. Is rendered non-functional when confronted with the
items in #5 & #6.
8. Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.
9. Is impervious to embarrassment.
10. Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent
known to woman.
Political Differences
Sometimes it is difficult for a few of you to tell the difference between Republicans &
Democrats. Here is simple illustration of the difference between the two
parties.....................
Fred Thompson and Hillary Clinton were walking down the street when they came to a
homeless person. The Republican, Fred Thompson, gave the homeless person
his business card and told him to come to his office for a job. He then took
$20 out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.
Hillary was very impressed, so when they came to another homeless person,
she decided to help. She walked over to the homeless person and gave him
directions to the welfare office. She then reached into Thompson's pocket
and got out $20 - she kept $15 for her administrative fees an d gave the
homeless person $5.
Now, you understand the difference?
Democrats. Here is simple illustration of the difference between the two
parties.....................
Fred Thompson and Hillary Clinton were walking down the street when they came to a
homeless person. The Republican, Fred Thompson, gave the homeless person
his business card and told him to come to his office for a job. He then took
$20 out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.
Hillary was very impressed, so when they came to another homeless person,
she decided to help. She walked over to the homeless person and gave him
directions to the welfare office. She then reached into Thompson's pocket
and got out $20 - she kept $15 for her administrative fees an d gave the
homeless person $5.
Now, you understand the difference?
THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his physician and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The hillbilly said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
( you'll love this...)
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Alabama, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, Florida, West Virginia and Washington DC.
So the husband went to his physician and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The hillbilly said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
( you'll love this...)
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Alabama, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, Florida, West Virginia and Washington DC.
Two-Story House
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.
The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says,
"Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."
"Because," the man says,"I live in a two-story house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What
is the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a
headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of
the month.'"
The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says,
"Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."
"Because," the man says,"I live in a two-story house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What
is the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a
headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of
the month.'"
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