There was an elderly couple who were both widowed.
They had been going out with each other for a long time, and urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of sex, so he came right out with it.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
She thought a moment, then ventured, 'I would like it infrequently. '
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, 'Is that one word or two?'
BBQ ain't a verb!
While this is funny, its actually some pretty darn good pickin'. Its also a pretty good description of the Southern states.
IMPORTANT QUESTIONS:
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? A phenomena known as carpetuation!
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? A phenomena known as carpetuation!
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with your partner about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
11. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
12. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with your partner about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
11. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
12. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
Why I decided to retire when I did...
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice Factory, but I got canned. I couldn''t concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn''t hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn''t suited for it; —mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, I tried to be a Chef—; figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn''t have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn''t cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually, I found I wasn''t noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn''t have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn''t fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn''t live on my net income.
11. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn''t fit for the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian —until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
15. SO, I tried retirement and found that I''m perfect for the job!
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn''t hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn''t suited for it; —mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, I tried to be a Chef—; figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn''t have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn''t cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually, I found I wasn''t noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn''t have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn''t fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn''t live on my net income.
11. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn''t fit for the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian —until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
15. SO, I tried retirement and found that I''m perfect for the job!
Little Boys, Old Men, Peas & Marbles
I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes.
I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean,
hungrily appraising a basket of freshly picked green peas.
I paid for my potatoes, but was also drawn to the display of fresh green
peas.
I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I
couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store
owner) and the ragged boy next to me.
'Hello Barry, how are you today?'
'H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas. They sure
look good.'
'They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?'
'Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time.'
'Good. Anything I can help you with?'
'No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas.'
'Would you like take some home?' asked Mr. Miller.
'No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with.'
'Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?'
'All I got's my prize marble here.'
'Is that right? Let me see it' said Miller.
'Here 'tis. She's a dandy.'
'I can see that. Hmmmmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go
for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?' the store owner asked.
'Not zackley but almost.'
'Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this
way let me look at that red marble', Mr. Miller told the boy.
'Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller.'
Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me.
With a smile said, 'There are two other boys like him in our community,
all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with
them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever.
When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he
decides he doesn't like red after all and he send s them home with a bag
of produce for a green marble or an orange one, when they come on their
next trip to the store.'
I left the store smiling to myself, impressed with this man.
A short time later I moved to Colorado, but I never forgot the story of
this man, the boys, and their bartering for marbles.
Several years went by, each more rapid than the previous one.
Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho
community and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died.
They were having his visitation that evening and knowing my friends
wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them.
Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of
the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.
Ahead of us in line were three young men.
One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark
suits and white shirts...all very professional lookin g.
They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her
husband's casket.
Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly
with her and moved on to the casket.
Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man
stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in
the casket.
Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.
Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and reminded her
of the story from those many years ago and what she had told me about her
husband's bartering for marbles.
With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.
'Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about. They
just told me how they appreciated the things Jim 'traded' them.
Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or
size....they came to pay their debt.'
'We've ne ver had a great deal of the wealth of this world,' she confided,
'but right now, Jim would consider himself t he richest man in Idaho '.
With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased
husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.
The Moral : We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind
deeds. Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments
that take our breath away.
Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles ~ A fresh pot of coffee you
didn't make yourself.
An unexpected phone call from an old friend.
Green stoplights on your way to work.
The fastest line at the grocery store.
A good sing-along song on the radio.
Your keys found right where you left them.
Send this to the people you'll never forget.
I just Did...
If you don't send it to anyone, it means you are in way too much of a
hurry to even notice the ordinary miracles when they occur.
It's not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of
life you have lived!
I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean,
hungrily appraising a basket of freshly picked green peas.
I paid for my potatoes, but was also drawn to the display of fresh green
peas.
I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I
couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store
owner) and the ragged boy next to me.
'Hello Barry, how are you today?'
'H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas. They sure
look good.'
'They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?'
'Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time.'
'Good. Anything I can help you with?'
'No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas.'
'Would you like take some home?' asked Mr. Miller.
'No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with.'
'Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?'
'All I got's my prize marble here.'
'Is that right? Let me see it' said Miller.
'Here 'tis. She's a dandy.'
'I can see that. Hmmmmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go
for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?' the store owner asked.
'Not zackley but almost.'
'Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this
way let me look at that red marble', Mr. Miller told the boy.
'Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller.'
Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me.
With a smile said, 'There are two other boys like him in our community,
all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with
them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever.
When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he
decides he doesn't like red after all and he send s them home with a bag
of produce for a green marble or an orange one, when they come on their
next trip to the store.'
I left the store smiling to myself, impressed with this man.
A short time later I moved to Colorado, but I never forgot the story of
this man, the boys, and their bartering for marbles.
Several years went by, each more rapid than the previous one.
Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho
community and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died.
They were having his visitation that evening and knowing my friends
wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them.
Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of
the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.
Ahead of us in line were three young men.
One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark
suits and white shirts...all very professional lookin g.
They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her
husband's casket.
Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly
with her and moved on to the casket.
Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man
stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in
the casket.
Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.
Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and reminded her
of the story from those many years ago and what she had told me about her
husband's bartering for marbles.
With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.
'Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about. They
just told me how they appreciated the things Jim 'traded' them.
Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or
size....they came to pay their debt.'
'We've ne ver had a great deal of the wealth of this world,' she confided,
'but right now, Jim would consider himself t he richest man in Idaho '.
With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased
husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.
The Moral : We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind
deeds. Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments
that take our breath away.
Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles ~ A fresh pot of coffee you
didn't make yourself.
An unexpected phone call from an old friend.
Green stoplights on your way to work.
The fastest line at the grocery store.
A good sing-along song on the radio.
Your keys found right where you left them.
Send this to the people you'll never forget.
I just Did...
If you don't send it to anyone, it means you are in way too much of a
hurry to even notice the ordinary miracles when they occur.
It's not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of
life you have lived!
Tuti Homini
The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, 'Tuti Homini' - Blessed be Mankind.
A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They had noticed that the pope blessed all Mankind but not Womankind.
The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, 'Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini' - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.
The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind and asked if he could also bless gay people.The Pope said, 'Sure'.The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, 'Tuti Homini, et Tuti
Femini, et Tuti Fruiti.'
Mugger
Late one night in the Washington D.C. a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"
50 Years of Marriage
Well there was this couple who had been married for
50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table
that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife,
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah", she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we
were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know", the old man said, "We were probably sitting
here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well", Granny snickered, "What do you say...should
we?" Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat
down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly
replied, "My nipples are as hot for you as they were
fifty years ago.
"I
wouldn't be surprised", replied Gramps. "One's in
your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.
Dear Abby
I am a 60-year-old woman who is married to a man who acts like he hates me.
In public, he pretends he loves me and talks about how wonderful I am. But
in private, he shakes his finger in my face and calls me the "B" word. He
constantly tells me how ugly I am without make-up. I've tried everything,
including a face-lift, botox treatments, and a chin tuck. I even went on a
diet and lost 20 pounds.
He quit his job a few years ago after having an affair with a woman in his
office. He hasn't even looked for another job. We haven't slept together
since I confronted him about the affair. He denied it, of course, but
everybody knew it. It wa s humiliating. I believe he is still messing around.
While we both want to sell this house, we argue constantly about when to
put it on the market. The house we want will be available in a few months.
My husband wants to put our house on the market now. I think we should
wait a while. He has already started collecting boxes and packing up his
stuff. Do you think he is planning to leave me?
Signed,
Worried in NY
Dear Worried in NY:
I doubt it. He wants to move back into the White House as much as you do.
In public, he pretends he loves me and talks about how wonderful I am. But
in private, he shakes his finger in my face and calls me the "B" word. He
constantly tells me how ugly I am without make-up. I've tried everything,
including a face-lift, botox treatments, and a chin tuck. I even went on a
diet and lost 20 pounds.
He quit his job a few years ago after having an affair with a woman in his
office. He hasn't even looked for another job. We haven't slept together
since I confronted him about the affair. He denied it, of course, but
everybody knew it. It wa s humiliating. I believe he is still messing around.
While we both want to sell this house, we argue constantly about when to
put it on the market. The house we want will be available in a few months.
My husband wants to put our house on the market now. I think we should
wait a while. He has already started collecting boxes and packing up his
stuff. Do you think he is planning to leave me?
Signed,
Worried in NY
Dear Worried in NY:
I doubt it. He wants to move back into the White House as much as you do.
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