Where would you be, if?

YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES

YOU HAD NO WORRIES

YOU COME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU...

YOUR BATH HAS BEEN RUN...

YOU HAVE THE PERFECT KIDS...

YOUR BEAUTIFUL PARTNER IS AWAITING YOU
WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES...

SO WHERE WOULD YOU BE?


In the wrong
freakin' house!!!
THATS WHERE...

Are you reading this???

Just checking to see who's reading my blog. If you like what you see let me know. I try to keep it relatively clean (no s words, no f words), in case you read at work. Let me know how this is working out and if you have any suggestions.

Anyone interested in funny images as well?

Bad Scientist

A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took the scientist outside and beat the hell out of him.

Don't mess with old folks

Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital.

There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"

Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Harold had breakfast, pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So .. you know where the juice went -- into the bottle!
The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today .."
At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time."
The nurse fainted.
Old Harold just smiled.

Marriage Choices

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man.
She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest.
She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

17 Children

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 7 children. Eventually, her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 10 children by her next husband. Eventually, he dies. Soon after her second husband's death she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together."
A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."

Sheer

A husband walks into Fredrick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that I might as well be wearing nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself." So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

Funeral services are pending.........

Ol' Herman James

Fifty-one years ago Herman James, a West Virginia Mountain Man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in Basic, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years now.

The Gun Fighter

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.

The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man
"Sure will," said the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learnin' something' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on
the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass and it'll slide in easer and won't hurt as much."

Did I read that sign right?

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE , BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Revelations

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20 on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

Iranian Ambassador

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech,
and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.

They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I
have just one question about what I have seen in America.

President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it
there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who
is Chinese, but no Arabs.

My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any
Iranians on Star Trek."

President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and
whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."

________________________________
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Fine Dining

John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that John was ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while Mary acted quite unconcerned. Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no he didn't. In fact, my husband just walked in the front door."

Random Blonde Jokes

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and three blondes were stuck on the escalator for more than four hours.
*****************

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened.

So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."
***************

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."

"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!! " So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that," he asked?

"Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blond replied........"Two popsicles and some coffee."

************

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day?

Take the day off to relax and rest."

"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. "What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks.

"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!"

Study of Dogs

Dogs lie around all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of
furniture in the house.

They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't
hear you when you're in the same room.

They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

They growl when they are not happy.

When you want to play they want to play.

When you want to be alone they want to play.

They are great at begging.

They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.

They leave their toys everywhere.

They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

HOW TO MATCH JOB APPLICANT TO APPROPRIATE POSITION

Put about 100 bricks in no particular order in a closed room with an open window.
Then send 2 or 3 candidates at a time into the room and close the door.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours, and then analyze the situation:

If they are counting the bricks, put them in the accounting department.
If they are recounting them, put them in auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in engineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in operations.
If they are sleeping, put them in security
If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in information technology.
If they are sitting idle, put them in human resources.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in sales.
If they have already left for the day, put them in marketing.
If they are staring out of the window, put them in strategic planning.
If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in top management.
Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.

Disorder in the American Courts

These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
_________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year
. _____________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo? A: We do.
Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys? A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure? Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Jesus' Dad's Name

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''

Fourth Wedding

There was a much married woman who walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Well", replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type of dress are you looking for?"

The bride to be said:, "A long frilly white dress with
a veil."

The sales clerk didn't know quite what to say but she finally said, "Frankly madam, gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time-for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean?"

"Well" replied the customer, more than a little put out. "I can assure you that I am as innocent as the rest of them. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as any first time bride."

"You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into a terrible fight in
the limo on our way to the reception and have not spoken since. We had that wedding annulled immediately."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"Well" said the woman, "he was a Democrat and every night for four years he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be."

Single Woman

A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:

1 bar of soap

1 toothbrush

1 tube toothpaste

1 loaf of bread

1 pint of milk

1 single serving cereal

1 single serving frozen dinner

The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single
are you?"
The woman replies very sarcastically, "How
did you guess?"
He replies, "because you're just damn ugly!"

Whitey

Whitey was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young
layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to
fertilize the eggs.

Whitey kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the
soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Whitey's time so
Whitey got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each
bell had a different tone so Whitey could tell from a distance, which
rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an
efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Whitey's favorite rooster was old Brewster, a very fine specimen he was,
too. But on this particular morning Whitey noticed old Brewster's bell
hadn't rung at all! Whitey went to investigate. The other roosters were
chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing
the roosters coming, would run for cover.

BUT, to Whitey's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it
couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the
next one. Whitey was so proud of Brewster, he entered him in the county
fair... and Brewster became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...

The judges not only awarded Brewster the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they
also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly Brewster was a Democrat. Who else could figure out how to win
two of the most politically biased awards on our planet by being the
best at sneaking up on the populous and screwing them.

The Earring

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you
were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring."
he replies sheepishly.

"So, really, How long have you been wearing one?"

"Well, ummm, ever since my wife found it in our bed."

Iranian Spies

Two Iranian spies meet in a bar in downtown Los Angeles.
One starts to greet the other in Arabic, their native language; but the other waves him off contemptuously
and says:
"We're in America now, speak Spanish."

TWO HOURS

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train... cause we're going down the tracks. "

The horrified mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train... but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with this train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say..."All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."


She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen..."

Running Doe

A Young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however."
"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"
"Well, you have no nipples."
"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.
"That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The South Dakota Journal of Medicine if you don't mind.
She said, "OK."
"First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"
She answered, "Approximately 500."
"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor. Running Doe replied,
"We're called ........ The Indiannippleless Five Hundred"

Two gators

Two gators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington , DC . The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

Well," said the big gator, "What you been eatin boy?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do yall catch em?"

"Down to the side of the swamp near the parkin lot by the Capitol."

"Same here Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin'
the shit out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase."

The Bible Salesmen

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles.

Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the reverend decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday & which they did. Anxious to find out how successful they were, the reverend immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Father, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the 200 dollars I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Peter!" The reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, he asked "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's 280 dollars I collected."

The reverend responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly
a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"

Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the reverend exclaimed.
"Louie, there's 3200 dollars in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison.

"We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the reverend agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to do accomplish this, Louie." Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"

Sign in Window

A sign at a business establishment in Philadelphia, PA: "WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH A SINGLE AMERICAN."

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business... And that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back. But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement. We are a society who holds the Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty . . . And after all, it is just a sign.

You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?..

Answer: A Funeral Home (Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)

Life's Mathematics

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Getting A Government Job

A guy goes to the Government to interview for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
"Yes sir, I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good, that counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?"
"I am 100% disabled. A mortar round blew off my testicles so they declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."
"I’m sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we'll get you started."
"If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come in at 10?"
"Well, here at the government, we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point of your coming in for that"

Florida State Department of Fish and Wildlife Announcement

The Florida State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers,
hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and to keep alert
for alligators while visiting Brevard, Broward, Dade, Marborough, Pinellas,
Orange, Osceola, Polk, Palm Beach and Sarasota Counties.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on
their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They
also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an
alligator. It is also a good idea to watch for recent signs of alligator
activity.

People should learn to recognize the difference between small
young alligator and large adult alligator droppings. Young alligator
droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.
Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper
spray.

Wizard of Oz

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado and off they
whirled to the land of OZ. They finally made it to the Emerald City
and went to find the Great Wizard.

What brings the 4 of you before the great Wizard of Oz?

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly and said: I've come for some
courage. No Problem! said the Wizard . Who's next?

Richard Nixon stepped forward, Well, I think I need a heart. Done!
says the Wizard.

Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz? Up stepped Bush and
said, I'm told by the American people that I need a brain. No problem!
said the Wizard. Consider it done.

Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just
standing there, looking around, But he doesnt say a word. Irritated,
the Wizard finally asks, Well, what do you want?

IS DOROTHY HERE?

Proof read your work

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the
other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,
not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head
abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small
error in the first copy it would never be picked up. In fact, that
error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head
monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but
you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where
the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that
hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets
worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head
against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R", we missed the "R".
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying
uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong,
father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was
CELEBRATE"

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Cross Examining The Coroner

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney
asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the
man's pulse?" The coroner said, "No."

The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?", and again
the coroner said, "No."

Then the attorney asked, "Did you check for breathing?", and again the
coroner said, "No."

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps
to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it
this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all
I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."