An elderly cajun man lay dying in his bed. While
suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly
smelled the aroma of his favorite beignets wafting up the
stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from
the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled
downstairs. When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he
leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if
not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in
heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the table
were hundreds of his favorite beignets.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love
from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world
a happy man? He threw himself towards the table, landing on his
knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the
wondrous taste of the beignets was already in his
mouth.With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of
the table, when suddently he was smacked with a wooden
spoon by his wife.
"Stop," she said. "Those are for the funeral."
A Democrat's Predictions
Much as it pains me to say this, I have to admit it ... my Democrat friends were right.
They told me if I voted for McCain the nation's hope would deteriorate, and sure enough, there has been a 20 point drop in the Consumer Confidence Index since the election, reaching a lower point than any time during the Bush administration.
They told me if I voted for McCain the US would become more deeply embroiled in the Middle East, and now, tens of thousands of additional troops are scheduled to be deployed into Afghanistan .
My Democrat Party friends told me if I voted for McCain that the economy would get worse, and sure enough, unemployment is approaching 9.5% and the stimulus packages that were implemented sent the stock market lower than at any time since the Islamic Terrorists attacks of 9-11.
They told me if I voted for McCain we would see more "crooks" in high ranking positions in federal government, and sure enough, several recent cabinet nominees and Senate appointments revealed resumes of scandal, bribery and tax fraud.
They told me if I voted for McCain we would see more "pork at the trough" in federal government, and sure enough, some 17,500 "Pork Bills" have showed up in Congress since January 2009.
I was also told by my Democrat friends that if I voted for McCain we would see more deficit spending in Washington D..C., and sure enough, President Obama spent more in just 30 days than all other Presidents together in the entire history of the USA.
Well, I voted for McCain in November anyway, and my Democrat friends were right ... all of their predictions have come true!
They told me if I voted for McCain the nation's hope would deteriorate, and sure enough, there has been a 20 point drop in the Consumer Confidence Index since the election, reaching a lower point than any time during the Bush administration.
They told me if I voted for McCain the US would become more deeply embroiled in the Middle East, and now, tens of thousands of additional troops are scheduled to be deployed into Afghanistan .
My Democrat Party friends told me if I voted for McCain that the economy would get worse, and sure enough, unemployment is approaching 9.5% and the stimulus packages that were implemented sent the stock market lower than at any time since the Islamic Terrorists attacks of 9-11.
They told me if I voted for McCain we would see more "crooks" in high ranking positions in federal government, and sure enough, several recent cabinet nominees and Senate appointments revealed resumes of scandal, bribery and tax fraud.
They told me if I voted for McCain we would see more "pork at the trough" in federal government, and sure enough, some 17,500 "Pork Bills" have showed up in Congress since January 2009.
I was also told by my Democrat friends that if I voted for McCain we would see more deficit spending in Washington D..C., and sure enough, President Obama spent more in just 30 days than all other Presidents together in the entire history of the USA.
Well, I voted for McCain in November anyway, and my Democrat friends were right ... all of their predictions have come true!
Lemon Picker
A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove
seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said,
"I have to ask you this:
Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!" she replied.
"I've been divorced three times,
owned 2 Plymouths,
and I voted for Obama."
seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said,
"I have to ask you this:
Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!" she replied.
"I've been divorced three times,
owned 2 Plymouths,
and I voted for Obama."
Gentleman
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake
of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a
hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a
gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so
ugly it would lift itself."
of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a
hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a
gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so
ugly it would lift itself."
Rocket Science
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically
to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners,
military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at
maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent
incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the
strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager
to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed
trains. Arrangements were made. But when the gun was
fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled
out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield,
smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control
console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and
embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
The horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results
of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield,
and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
NASA's response was just one sentence, "Thaw the chicken."
to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners,
military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at
maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent
incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the
strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager
to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed
trains. Arrangements were made. But when the gun was
fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled
out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield,
smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control
console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and
embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
The horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results
of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield,
and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
NASA's response was just one sentence, "Thaw the chicken."
Fairy Tale
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch.
But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.
The End
But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.
The End
handy-woman
A blond teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.
"And by the way, "the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.
"And by the way, "the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
Going fishing
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took
place.
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing
this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the
house next weekend."
Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her
a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will
remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a
word. So they asked him. You haven't said anything about what you had to do
to be able to come fishing this weekend. " What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: " I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off
my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, " Fishing or Sex" and she said, "
Wear a Sweater."
place.
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing
this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the
house next weekend."
Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her
a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will
remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a
word. So they asked him. You haven't said anything about what you had to do
to be able to come fishing this weekend. " What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: " I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off
my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, " Fishing or Sex" and she said, "
Wear a Sweater."
Peter and the Elephant
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in
Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University
On a hike through the bush, he came
across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in
the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter
approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the
elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply
embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could,
Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the
elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to
face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face,
stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood
frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked
away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of
that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking
through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they
approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures
turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son
Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at
Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it
down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted
loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter
could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and
made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the
elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted
again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and
slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
This is for all of my friends who send me those heart-warming stories.
Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University
On a hike through the bush, he came
across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in
the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter
approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the
elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply
embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could,
Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the
elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to
face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face,
stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood
frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked
away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of
that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking
through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they
approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures
turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son
Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at
Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it
down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted
loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter
could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and
made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the
elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted
again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and
slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
This is for all of my friends who send me those heart-warming stories.
The Undertaker
Roy, an undertaker in Pennsylvania came home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife."
I had a terrible day," replies Roy ."I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep.
When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a
Body bag because he had this huge erection.
Anyway, I find the room and, sure enough, there's this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.
So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see," says his wife. "But how did you get the black eye?"
Roy replies, "Wrong room!"
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