Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took
place.
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing
this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the
house next weekend."
Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her
a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will
remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a
word. So they asked him. You haven't said anything about what you had to do
to be able to come fishing this weekend. " What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: " I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off
my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, " Fishing or Sex" and she said, "
Wear a Sweater."
Peter and the Elephant
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in
Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University
On a hike through the bush, he came
across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in
the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter
approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the
elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply
embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could,
Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the
elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to
face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face,
stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood
frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked
away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of
that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking
through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they
approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures
turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son
Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at
Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it
down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted
loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter
could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and
made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the
elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted
again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and
slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
This is for all of my friends who send me those heart-warming stories.
Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University
On a hike through the bush, he came
across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in
the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter
approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the
elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply
embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could,
Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the
elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to
face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face,
stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood
frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked
away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of
that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking
through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they
approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures
turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son
Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at
Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it
down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted
loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter
could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and
made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the
elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted
again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and
slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
This is for all of my friends who send me those heart-warming stories.
The Undertaker
Roy, an undertaker in Pennsylvania came home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife."
I had a terrible day," replies Roy ."I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep.
When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a
Body bag because he had this huge erection.
Anyway, I find the room and, sure enough, there's this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.
So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see," says his wife. "But how did you get the black eye?"
Roy replies, "Wrong room!"
How would you pronounce this child's name?
OKAY. How would you pronounce this child's name: "Le-a" ???
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced "Ledasha", When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."
SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If they axe you why, tell them the dash don't be silent.
Church Funnies
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, 'I'm not going.'
'Why not?' she asked.
I'll give you two good reasons,' he said. '(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them.'
His mother replied, 'I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church.
(1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!'
The Picnic
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
'This baked ham is really delicious,' the priest teased the rabbi. 'You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell m e, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?'
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, 'At your wedding.'
The Usher
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps, 'Where would you like to sit?' he asked politely.
'The front row please,' she answered.
'You really don't want to do that,' the usher said 'The pastor is really boring.'
'Do you happen to know who I am?' the woman inquired. 'No.' he said. 'I'm the pastor's mother,' she replied indignantly.
'Do you know who I am?' he asked. 'No.' she said. 'Good,' he answered and walked away.
The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
'I've had a pretty good life,' the twenty proclaimed. 'Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean '
'Wow!' said the one-dollar bill. 'You've really had an exciting life!'
'So tell me,' says the twenty, 'where have you been throughout your lifetime?'
The one dollar bill replies, 'Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church '
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, 'What's a church?'
Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly priest for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the priest asked their son what they were having. 'Goat,' the little boy replied.
'Goat?' replied the startled man of the cloth, 'Are you sure about that?'
'Yep,' said the youngster. 'I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'
'Why not?' she asked.
I'll give you two good reasons,' he said. '(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them.'
His mother replied, 'I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church.
(1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!'
The Picnic
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
'This baked ham is really delicious,' the priest teased the rabbi. 'You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell m e, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?'
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, 'At your wedding.'
The Usher
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps, 'Where would you like to sit?' he asked politely.
'The front row please,' she answered.
'You really don't want to do that,' the usher said 'The pastor is really boring.'
'Do you happen to know who I am?' the woman inquired. 'No.' he said. 'I'm the pastor's mother,' she replied indignantly.
'Do you know who I am?' he asked. 'No.' she said. 'Good,' he answered and walked away.
The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
'I've had a pretty good life,' the twenty proclaimed. 'Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean '
'Wow!' said the one-dollar bill. 'You've really had an exciting life!'
'So tell me,' says the twenty, 'where have you been throughout your lifetime?'
The one dollar bill replies, 'Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church '
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, 'What's a church?'
Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly priest for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the priest asked their son what they were having. 'Goat,' the little boy replied.
'Goat?' replied the startled man of the cloth, 'Are you sure about that?'
'Yep,' said the youngster. 'I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'
Gone Fishing
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?'
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?'
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing.
Babtist Shampoo
While shopping in a grocery store, two Baptist
church ladies happened
to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.
One asked the other if
she would like a beer.
The second good Baptist sister answered that,
indeed, it would be very
nice to have one, but that she would feel
uncomfortable about
purchasing it.
The first sister replied that she would handle
that without a problem.
She picked up a six-pack and took it to the
cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look, so the good
Baptist sister said,
'This is for washing our hair.'
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached
under the counter and put
a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the
beer. 'The curlers are
on me.'
church ladies happened
to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.
One asked the other if
she would like a beer.
The second good Baptist sister answered that,
indeed, it would be very
nice to have one, but that she would feel
uncomfortable about
purchasing it.
The first sister replied that she would handle
that without a problem.
She picked up a six-pack and took it to the
cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look, so the good
Baptist sister said,
'This is for washing our hair.'
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached
under the counter and put
a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the
beer. 'The curlers are
on me.'
Choosing A Wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much..
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest tits.
Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much..
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest tits.
Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Safe Sex
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her
husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was
not sure that it was such a good idea.
'Do you enjoy it?' the doctor asked.
'Actually, yes, I do.'
'Does it hurt you?' he asked.
'No. I rather like it.'
'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you
'Do you enjoy it?' the doctor asked.
'Actually, yes, I do.'
'Does it hurt you?' he asked.
'No. I rather like it.'
'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you
shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as
you take care not to get pregnant.'The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'
'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think politicians come from?'
WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers
Why did God make mothers
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your Mom
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook Does he get drunk on beer
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook Does he get drunk on beer
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores
Why did your Mom marry your dad
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world.? And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world.? And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms & dads
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your Mom do in her spare time
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room Clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room Clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
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