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A daily joke blog.

Little Old Lady

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,

"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much .. I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied,

"Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things too."

Bits of Wisdom

Love is grand ! Divorce is a hundred grand.
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I am in shape.
Round is a shape.
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Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
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Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
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Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
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Even if you are on the right track,
You'll get run over if you just sit there
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
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An optimist thinks this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears this is true.
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There will always be death and taxes;
However, death doesn't get worse every year.
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In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
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I am a nutritional overachiever.
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I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
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Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
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A day without sunshine is like night.
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It's frustrating when you know all the answers,
But nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
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The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
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Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
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Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes it comes alone.
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Life not only begins at forty,
It also begins to show.
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Beauty may be only skin deep, but ugly cuts clear to the bone.
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Fluctuations

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line...just one person in front of me, an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated.

He asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dolla fo yen - today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller says, "Fluctuations."

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white guys too."

Riddle Me This...

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts! ?

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

MURPHY'S OTHER LAWS

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Important! Please Read this!!

I hate people that forward to many warnings as much as anyone, but this one is important!

Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list!

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around, do not do it!

IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday.
I feel so stupid now...

Philosophical Stuff

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

Just HOLD Me!

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT???!!! What was that?!'' So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who
I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited.

She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to
think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said,
"That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let’s go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out,
"No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT??!!!" I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen hell.

Where's Osama?

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send John Kerry a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Kerry opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H."

Kerry was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to John Edwards.

Edwards and his advisors had no clue either, so they sent it to the Democratic National Committee.

No one could solve it so it went to the National Education Association and then to MIT.

They sent it to Michael Dukakis who then sent it to Teddy Kennedy.

Eventually they asked Britain's MI6 for help.

They cabled back : "Tell Mr. Kerry he is looking at the message upside down."

We Be Friends

Me And You Is Friends ...  
You Smile, I Smile .....
You Hurt, I Hurt ....
You Cry, I Cry ...
You Jump Off A Bridge ...
....I'm Gonna Miss You

Howard

A Missouri farmer got in his pickup, drove several miles to a neighboring farm, and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 opened the door.

"Is yer paw home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well, said the farmer, is yer maw here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with paw."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with maw and paw." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer paw."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer paw. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard...