Wisdom from Grandpa

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna "work"."
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

Redneck Medical Terms

* Artery......................The study of paintings.
* Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
* Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria.
* Barium......................What doctors do when patients die.
* Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
* Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty.
* Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
* Colic.......................A sheep dog.
* Coma........................A punctuation mark.
* D&C.........................Where Washington is.
* Dilate......................To live long.
* Enema.......................Not a friend.
* Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
* Fibula......................A small lie.
* Genital.....................Non-Jewish person.
* G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball.
* Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
* Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
* Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
* Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.
* Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
* Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
* Node........................I knew it.
* Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.
* Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
* Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
* Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
* Recovery Room...............Place to do upholstery.
* Rectum......................Darn near killed him.
* Secretion...................Hiding something
* Seizure.....................Roman emperor.
* Tablet......................A small table.
* Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport.
* Tumor.......................More than one.
* Urine.......................Opposite of you're out
* Varicose....................Near by

Little Mary Margaret

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

"Tell me Mary Margaret, Who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber once again Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted...........

Admission Test

Three nuns died and went to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates they were met by St. Peter. He told them that in order
to get into Heaven they had to answer a skill testing question. They all agreed.

He asked the lst one, "Who was the first man on earth?"
She said, "Oh that's easy," and then she answered, "Adam."
The Pearly Gates swung open, the angels started to sing, and she flew up into Heaven.

He asked the 2nd nun, "Who was the first woman on earth?" She said, "Oh that's easy too," and then she said, "Eve."
The Pearly Gates swung open, the angels started to sing, and she flew up into Heaven.

He asked the 3rd one, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam."
She said, "That's a hard one, isn't it?" The Pearly Gates swung open, the angels started to sing...

Church Feud

There was a feud between the Pastor and the Choir Director of The Hicksville Southern Baptist Church...

It seems the first hint of trouble came when the Pastor preached on "dedicating yourselves to service" and the Choir Director chose to sing: "I Shall Not Be Moved".

Trying to believe it was a coincidence; the Pastor put the incident behind him. The next Sunday he preached on "giving." Afterwards, the choir squirmed as the director led them in the hymn: "Jesus Paid It All."

By this time, the Pastor was losing his temper. Sunday morning attendance swelled as the tension between the two built. A large crowd showed up the next week to hear his sermon on "the sin of gossiping."

Would you believe the Choir Director selected: "I Love To Tell the Story?"

There was no turning back.

The following Sunday the Pastor told the congregation that unless something changed he was considering resignation. The entire church gasped when the Choir Director led them in: "Why Not Tonight?"

Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week later; explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away.

............. The Choir Director could not resist: "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."

Christmas Carols

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,"And just what do those symbolize.

The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Holiday Season Begins...

Italian Bread

Two old guys, one 85 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park
bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short
of breath. The 85-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what
he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps
your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 85-year-old stops at the bakery. A s he was
looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a
whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves..by the time you get to the 5th loaf,
it'll be hard!"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about
this Italian bread thing but me."

Never Smelled So Good

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian cookies.

With all his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked hard with a spatula by his wife.

"GET OUT OF HERE!" she shouted, "THEY'RE FOR THE FUNERAL!"

Today's Life Lessons

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids.

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Little Old Lady

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,

"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much .. I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied,

"Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things too."

Bits of Wisdom

Love is grand ! Divorce is a hundred grand.
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I am in shape.
Round is a shape.
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Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
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Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
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Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
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Even if you are on the right track,
You'll get run over if you just sit there
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
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An optimist thinks this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears this is true.
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There will always be death and taxes;
However, death doesn't get worse every year.
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In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
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I am a nutritional overachiever.
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I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
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Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
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A day without sunshine is like night.
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It's frustrating when you know all the answers,
But nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
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The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
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Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
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Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes it comes alone.
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Life not only begins at forty,
It also begins to show.
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Beauty may be only skin deep, but ugly cuts clear to the bone.
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Fluctuations

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line...just one person in front of me, an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated.

He asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dolla fo yen - today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller says, "Fluctuations."

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white guys too."

Riddle Me This...

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts! ?

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

MURPHY'S OTHER LAWS

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Important! Please Read this!!

I hate people that forward to many warnings as much as anyone, but this one is important!

Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list!

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around, do not do it!

IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday.
I feel so stupid now...

Philosophical Stuff

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

Just HOLD Me!

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT???!!! What was that?!'' So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who
I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited.

She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to
think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said,
"That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let’s go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out,
"No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT??!!!" I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen hell.

Where's Osama?

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send John Kerry a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Kerry opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H."

Kerry was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to John Edwards.

Edwards and his advisors had no clue either, so they sent it to the Democratic National Committee.

No one could solve it so it went to the National Education Association and then to MIT.

They sent it to Michael Dukakis who then sent it to Teddy Kennedy.

Eventually they asked Britain's MI6 for help.

They cabled back : "Tell Mr. Kerry he is looking at the message upside down."

We Be Friends

Me And You Is Friends ...  
You Smile, I Smile ..... 
You Hurt, I Hurt ....  
You Cry, I Cry ...  
You Jump Off A Bridge ...  
....I'm Gonna Miss You

Howard

A Missouri farmer got in his pickup, drove several miles to a neighboring farm, and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 opened the door.

"Is yer paw home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well, said the farmer, is yer maw here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with paw."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with maw and paw." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer paw."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer paw. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard...

Chief Meteorologist

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the heck the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several day she got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service

responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked. "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

Looking for Mice

A man and his wife have just finished having sex and
he is in the bathroom removing a condom. Unexpectedly,
his little boy walks in and says, "Daddy, what are you
doing?".

The father, not wanting to tell his young son what he
is really doing says, "Oh, I was just looking for mice".

The little boy looks puzzled, then says "What are you
doing? Screwin' em?"

Slow Talker

These two guys meet after not having seen each other
for many many years. The first guy asks the second guy,
"How have things been going?" The second guy - speaking
very s..l..o..w..l..y.. - tells the first guy, "I
w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d."
The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter
any more." The answer comes,

" Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r..
a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f
I s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l
n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r."

The first friend congratulates him and then asks again
about how he was almost married.

"W..e..l..l m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d
I w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..r
p..o...r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s
s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k
a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n
w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..n
d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e
t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y
f..a..c..e.."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?"
asks the first friend. " W..e..l..l I s..p..e..a..k
s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e
t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d.. a..t
t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g
h..i..s b..a..l..l..s"

California

Not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, & Texan jokes... You
know you're in California when......

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is
named Breeze.

5.. You can't remember...is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm
donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

9. You can't remember...is pot illegal?

10. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

11. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

12. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the US

13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless
chaps. You don't even notice.

14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30am at Starbucks wearing the
baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George
Clooney.

15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who
delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in
drag.

17. You can't remember...is pot illegal?

18. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news
station: "STORM WATCH 2003."

19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy
Banks himself is teaching the 4:00pm Tae Bo class.

20. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all
busy with their cells or pagers.

21. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour
early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

22. Hey!!!! Is Pot Illegal????

23. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

24. The Terminator is your new governor.

The Marine

One sunny day in 2005, an old man approached the White House from across
Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke
to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet
with President Kerry." The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Kerry is not
President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked
away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to
the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."
The Marine again told the man, " Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Kerry is
not President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again
walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the
very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President
Kerry."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and
said, "Sir! , this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to
speak to Mr.Kerry. I've told you already that Mr. Kerry is not the
President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"


The old man answered, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it." The
Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow".

The importance of excercise

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the heck she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

Salvation Army

A drunk went into a telephone booth and dialed at random. "Salvation Army," was the answer.

"What do you do?" asked the man.

"We save wicked men and women," came the reply.

"Okay, save me a wicked woman for Saturday night."

Rabbit, the Man, and the Blonde

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately, the little rabbit
jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks him what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so the man can read the label.

It says:

It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds a permanent wave."

Walmart Wine

Some Walmart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item

Walmart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range. While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Walmart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is important."

The top 13 suggested names for Walmart Wine

13. Chateau Traileur Parc

12. White Trashfindel

11. Big Red Gulp

10. Grape Expectations

9. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"

8. NASCARbernet

7. Chef Boyardeaux

6. Peanut Noir

5. Chateau des Moines

4. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!

3. World Championship Riesling

2. Sams Shiraz

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine ...

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with both white meat (Possum) and red meat (squirrel).

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine".

GO AHEAD

This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS

A woman is thanking you..Do

You might be a Floridian if:

You exhibit a slight twitch when introduced to anyone with the first
names of Charley, Frances, Ivan or Jeanne

Your freezer never has more than $20 worth of food in it any given
time

You're looking at paint swatches for the plywood on your windows,
to accent the house color

You think of your hall closet/saferoom as "cozy"

Your pool is more accurately described as "framed in" than
"screened in"

Your freezer in the garage now only has homemade ice in it

You no longer worry about relatives visiting during the summer
months

You too haven't heard back from the insurance adjuster

You now understand what that little "2% hurricane deductible"
phrase really means

You're putting a collage together on your driveway of roof shingles
from your neighborhood

You were once proud of your 16" electric chain saw

Your Street has more than 3 "NO WAKE" signs posted

You now own 5 large ice chests

Your parrot can now say" hammered, pounded and hunker down"

You recognize people in line at the free ice, gas and plywood
locations

You stop what you're doing and clap and wave when you see a convoy
of power company trucks come down your street

You're depressed when they don't stop

You have the personal cell phone numbers of the managers for:
plywood, roofing supplies and generators at Home Depot on your speed dialer

You've spent more than $20 on "Tall white kitchen bags" to make
your own sand bags

You're considering upgrading your 16" to a 20" chainsaw

You know what "Bar chain oil" is

You're thinking of getting your wife the hardhat with the ear
protector and face shield for Christmas

You now think the $6000 whole house generator seems reasonable.

You look forward to ! discussions about the merits of "cubed, block
and dry ice"

Your therapist refers to your condition as "generator envy"

You fight the urge to put on your winter coat and wool cap and parade
around in front of your picture window, when you finally get power and your
neighbor across the street, with the noisy generator doesn't get electric

And finally, you might be a Floridian if You ask your sister up
north to start saving the Sunday Real Estate classifieds!

Oh No....

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in awhile he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go." But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality, whispering.........................

"Dave, you're a veterinarian...”

Food For Thought

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't
people from Holland called, "Holes"?

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia,
would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts,"
and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other
penny?

Why do you park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a
broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just
stale bread to begin with.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist,
but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, doesn't terrific
mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the
English language. Could it be that "I Do." is the longest
sentence?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are
1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them,
but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will
have to touch it to be sure?

Ladies vs. Real Women

Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?

Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Women - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the inside of the cake.
Real Women - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you.

Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Real Women - Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.

Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Real Women - Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.

And finally the most important tip!.....

Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Real Women - Leftover wine??

Who's the Boss?

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. (Don't ask why or how, it just happens...)

God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

Close Shave

A man went to a barber for a trim and a shave. While the barber was lathering the man up for his shave, the man told the barber that he always has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks. The barber pulled a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer.

 "Place this ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and I can give you a close shave."
The man did this, and the barber shaved the right side of his face.
"Wow!" exclaimed the man, "that is great!"  He put the ball in the left side of his mouth, in anticipation of the barber's next move and with muffled voice asked,
"Buh wat happens if I accidentowy swawo du baw?"
The barber said, "Just bring it back tomorrow. That's what most guys do

---

Want to be your own boss? Learn how on Yahoo! Small Business.

The Lawyer and the Blonde

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other at the bar. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, drunk and dozing, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50," figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.

He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

How to install a security system in the South...

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo
magazine and your NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant-sized dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went for more ammunition.
Back in about an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked
the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think
Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
Anyways, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait in your
truck till I get back."

Church Telephone

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around
the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started
working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began
taking photographs and making notes.

He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall, and was intrigued
with a sign which read, "$10,000 per minute."

Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign. The
pastor answered that the golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to
Heaven,and if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake City, Denver,
Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more such
phones, with the same sign, and the same explanation from each
pastor.

Finally, the man arrived in the lovely state of Georgia. Upon entering
a church, behold: he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time,
the sign read: "Calls: 25 cents"!

Fascinated, the man asked to speak with the pastor.

"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each
church I have found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a
direct line to Heaven, and that I could use it to talk to God..
But in 20 other churches, the cost was $10,000 per minute. Your sign
says 25 cents per call. Why is that?

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied:

"Son, you're in the South now, and it's a local call."

40 year curse

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he
has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Where would you be, if?

YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES

YOU HAD NO WORRIES

YOU COME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU...

YOUR BATH HAS BEEN RUN...

YOU HAVE THE PERFECT KIDS...

YOUR BEAUTIFUL PARTNER IS AWAITING YOU
WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES...

SO WHERE WOULD YOU BE?


In the wrong
freakin' house!!!
THATS WHERE...

Are you reading this???

Just checking to see who's reading my blog. If you like what you see let me know. I try to keep it relatively clean (no s words, no f words), in case you read at work. Let me know how this is working out and if you have any suggestions.

Anyone interested in funny images as well?

Bad Scientist

A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took the scientist outside and beat the hell out of him.

Don't mess with old folks

Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital.

There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"

Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Harold had breakfast, pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So .. you know where the juice went -- into the bottle!
The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today .."
At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time."
The nurse fainted.
Old Harold just smiled.

Marriage Choices

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man.
She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest.
She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

17 Children

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 7 children. Eventually, her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 10 children by her next husband. Eventually, he dies. Soon after her second husband's death she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together."
A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."

Sheer

A husband walks into Fredrick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that I might as well be wearing nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself." So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

Funeral services are pending.........

Ol' Herman James

Fifty-one years ago Herman James, a West Virginia Mountain Man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in Basic, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years now.

The Gun Fighter

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.

The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man
"Sure will," said the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learnin' something' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on
the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass and it'll slide in easer and won't hurt as much."

Did I read that sign right?

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE , BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Revelations

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20 on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

Iranian Ambassador

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech,
and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.

They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I
have just one question about what I have seen in America.

President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it
there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who
is Chinese, but no Arabs.

My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any
Iranians on Star Trek."

President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and
whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."

________________________________
Want to be your own boss? Learn how on Yahoo! Small Business.

Fine Dining

John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that John was ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while Mary acted quite unconcerned. Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no he didn't. In fact, my husband just walked in the front door."

Random Blonde Jokes

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and three blondes were stuck on the escalator for more than four hours.
*****************

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened.

So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."
***************

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."

"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!! " So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that," he asked?

"Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blond replied........"Two popsicles and some coffee."

************

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day?

Take the day off to relax and rest."

"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. "What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks.

"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!"

Study of Dogs

Dogs lie around all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of
furniture in the house.

They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't
hear you when you're in the same room.

They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

They growl when they are not happy.

When you want to play they want to play.

When you want to be alone they want to play.

They are great at begging.

They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.

They leave their toys everywhere.

They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

HOW TO MATCH JOB APPLICANT TO APPROPRIATE POSITION

Put about 100 bricks in no particular order in a closed room with an open window.
Then send 2 or 3 candidates at a time into the room and close the door.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours, and then analyze the situation:

If they are counting the bricks, put them in the accounting department.
If they are recounting them, put them in auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in engineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in operations.
If they are sleeping, put them in security
If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in information technology.
If they are sitting idle, put them in human resources.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in sales.
If they have already left for the day, put them in marketing.
If they are staring out of the window, put them in strategic planning.
If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in top management.
Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.

Disorder in the American Courts

These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
_________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year
. _____________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo? A: We do.
Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys? A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure? Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Jesus' Dad's Name

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''

Fourth Wedding

There was a much married woman who walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Well", replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type of dress are you looking for?"

The bride to be said:, "A long frilly white dress with
a veil."

The sales clerk didn't know quite what to say but she finally said, "Frankly madam, gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time-for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean?"

"Well" replied the customer, more than a little put out. "I can assure you that I am as innocent as the rest of them. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as any first time bride."

"You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into a terrible fight in
the limo on our way to the reception and have not spoken since. We had that wedding annulled immediately."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"Well" said the woman, "he was a Democrat and every night for four years he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be."

Single Woman

A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:

1 bar of soap

1 toothbrush

1 tube toothpaste

1 loaf of bread

1 pint of milk

1 single serving cereal

1 single serving frozen dinner

The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single
are you?"
The woman replies very sarcastically, "How
did you guess?"
He replies, "because you're just damn ugly!"

Whitey

Whitey was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young
layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to
fertilize the eggs.

Whitey kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the
soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Whitey's time so
Whitey got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each
bell had a different tone so Whitey could tell from a distance, which
rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an
efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Whitey's favorite rooster was old Brewster, a very fine specimen he was,
too. But on this particular morning Whitey noticed old Brewster's bell
hadn't rung at all! Whitey went to investigate. The other roosters were
chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing
the roosters coming, would run for cover.

BUT, to Whitey's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it
couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the
next one. Whitey was so proud of Brewster, he entered him in the county
fair... and Brewster became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...

The judges not only awarded Brewster the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they
also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly Brewster was a Democrat. Who else could figure out how to win
two of the most politically biased awards on our planet by being the
best at sneaking up on the populous and screwing them.

The Earring

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you
were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring."
he replies sheepishly.

"So, really, How long have you been wearing one?"

"Well, ummm, ever since my wife found it in our bed."

Iranian Spies

Two Iranian spies meet in a bar in downtown Los Angeles.
One starts to greet the other in Arabic, their native language; but the other waves him off contemptuously
and says:
"We're in America now, speak Spanish."

TWO HOURS

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train... cause we're going down the tracks. "

The horrified mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train... but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with this train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say..."All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."


She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen..."

Running Doe

A Young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however."
"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"
"Well, you have no nipples."
"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.
"That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The South Dakota Journal of Medicine if you don't mind.
She said, "OK."
"First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"
She answered, "Approximately 500."
"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor. Running Doe replied,
"We're called ........ The Indiannippleless Five Hundred"

Two gators

Two gators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington , DC . The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

Well," said the big gator, "What you been eatin boy?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do yall catch em?"

"Down to the side of the swamp near the parkin lot by the Capitol."

"Same here Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin'
the shit out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase."

The Bible Salesmen

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles.

Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the reverend decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday & which they did. Anxious to find out how successful they were, the reverend immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Father, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the 200 dollars I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Peter!" The reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, he asked "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's 280 dollars I collected."

The reverend responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly
a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"

Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the reverend exclaimed.
"Louie, there's 3200 dollars in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison.

"We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the reverend agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to do accomplish this, Louie." Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"

Sign in Window

A sign at a business establishment in Philadelphia, PA: "WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH A SINGLE AMERICAN."

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business... And that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back. But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement. We are a society who holds the Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty . . . And after all, it is just a sign.

You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?..

Answer: A Funeral Home (Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)

Life's Mathematics

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.