Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna "work"."
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
Redneck Medical Terms
* Artery......................The study of paintings.
* Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
* Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria.
* Barium......................What doctors do when patients die.
* Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
* Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty.
* Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
* Colic.......................A sheep dog.
* Coma........................A punctuation mark.
* D&C.........................Where Washington is.
* Dilate......................To live long.
* Enema.......................Not a friend.
* Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
* Fibula......................A small lie.
* Genital.....................Non-Jewish person.
* G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball.
* Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
* Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
* Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
* Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.
* Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
* Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
* Node........................I knew it.
* Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.
* Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
* Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
* Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
* Recovery Room...............Place to do upholstery.
* Rectum......................Darn near killed him.
* Secretion...................Hiding something
* Seizure.....................Roman emperor.
* Tablet......................A small table.
* Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport.
* Tumor.......................More than one.
* Urine.......................Opposite of you're out
* Varicose....................Near by
* Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
* Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria.
* Barium......................What doctors do when patients die.
* Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
* Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty.
* Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
* Colic.......................A sheep dog.
* Coma........................A punctuation mark.
* D&C.........................Where Washington is.
* Dilate......................To live long.
* Enema.......................Not a friend.
* Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
* Fibula......................A small lie.
* Genital.....................Non-Jewish person.
* G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball.
* Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
* Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
* Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
* Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.
* Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
* Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
* Node........................I knew it.
* Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.
* Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
* Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
* Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
* Recovery Room...............Place to do upholstery.
* Rectum......................Darn near killed him.
* Secretion...................Hiding something
* Seizure.....................Roman emperor.
* Tablet......................A small table.
* Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport.
* Tumor.......................More than one.
* Urine.......................Opposite of you're out
* Varicose....................Near by
Little Mary Margaret
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, Who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber once again Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The nun fainted...........
"Tell me Mary Margaret, Who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber once again Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The nun fainted...........
Admission Test
Three nuns died and went to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates they were met by St. Peter. He told them that in order
to get into Heaven they had to answer a skill testing question. They all agreed.
He asked the lst one, "Who was the first man on earth?"
She said, "Oh that's easy," and then she answered, "Adam."
The Pearly Gates swung open, the angels started to sing, and she flew up into Heaven.
He asked the 2nd nun, "Who was the first woman on earth?" She said, "Oh that's easy too," and then she said, "Eve."
The Pearly Gates swung open, the angels started to sing, and she flew up into Heaven.
He asked the 3rd one, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam."
She said, "That's a hard one, isn't it?" The Pearly Gates swung open, the angels started to sing...
to get into Heaven they had to answer a skill testing question. They all agreed.
He asked the lst one, "Who was the first man on earth?"
She said, "Oh that's easy," and then she answered, "Adam."
The Pearly Gates swung open, the angels started to sing, and she flew up into Heaven.
He asked the 2nd nun, "Who was the first woman on earth?" She said, "Oh that's easy too," and then she said, "Eve."
The Pearly Gates swung open, the angels started to sing, and she flew up into Heaven.
He asked the 3rd one, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam."
She said, "That's a hard one, isn't it?" The Pearly Gates swung open, the angels started to sing...
Church Feud
There was a feud between the Pastor and the Choir Director of The Hicksville Southern Baptist Church...
It seems the first hint of trouble came when the Pastor preached on "dedicating yourselves to service" and the Choir Director chose to sing: "I Shall Not Be Moved".
Trying to believe it was a coincidence; the Pastor put the incident behind him. The next Sunday he preached on "giving." Afterwards, the choir squirmed as the director led them in the hymn: "Jesus Paid It All."
By this time, the Pastor was losing his temper. Sunday morning attendance swelled as the tension between the two built. A large crowd showed up the next week to hear his sermon on "the sin of gossiping."
Would you believe the Choir Director selected: "I Love To Tell the Story?"
There was no turning back.
The following Sunday the Pastor told the congregation that unless something changed he was considering resignation. The entire church gasped when the Choir Director led them in: "Why Not Tonight?"
Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week later; explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away.
............. The Choir Director could not resist: "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."
It seems the first hint of trouble came when the Pastor preached on "dedicating yourselves to service" and the Choir Director chose to sing: "I Shall Not Be Moved".
Trying to believe it was a coincidence; the Pastor put the incident behind him. The next Sunday he preached on "giving." Afterwards, the choir squirmed as the director led them in the hymn: "Jesus Paid It All."
By this time, the Pastor was losing his temper. Sunday morning attendance swelled as the tension between the two built. A large crowd showed up the next week to hear his sermon on "the sin of gossiping."
Would you believe the Choir Director selected: "I Love To Tell the Story?"
There was no turning back.
The following Sunday the Pastor told the congregation that unless something changed he was considering resignation. The entire church gasped when the Choir Director led them in: "Why Not Tonight?"
Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week later; explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away.
............. The Choir Director could not resist: "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."
Christmas Carols
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,"And just what do those symbolize.
The man replied, "These are Carols."
And So The Holiday Season Begins...
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,"And just what do those symbolize.
The man replied, "These are Carols."
And So The Holiday Season Begins...
Italian Bread
Two old guys, one 85 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park
bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short
of breath. The 85-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what
he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps
your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 85-year-old stops at the bakery. A s he was
looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a
whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves..by the time you get to the 5th loaf,
it'll be hard!"
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about
this Italian bread thing but me."
bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short
of breath. The 85-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what
he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps
your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 85-year-old stops at the bakery. A s he was
looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a
whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves..by the time you get to the 5th loaf,
it'll be hard!"
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about
this Italian bread thing but me."
Never Smelled So Good
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian cookies.
With all his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked hard with a spatula by his wife.
"GET OUT OF HERE!" she shouted, "THEY'RE FOR THE FUNERAL!"
Today's Life Lessons
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids.
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.
8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids.
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.
8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
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