After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his buddies. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and mallet.
'What's with that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock? You're not serious?' asked his astonished friend.
'Yup,' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked.
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'
A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder
A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder
On Michael Jackson’s Death…
......... .. … … .. …..
... . .. … . . . .. . .. . .. …. .. .. . … ..
.... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... ....... ... ... ... .... ..... .. .
... . . … .. . . . ..
.... . .... ... .... .... ...
....... .... .... .... ..... ..... ..... .. . . .... .....
.. .. .
.. . .. . .. . ...
........ ... ... ... .. ... ........ ... .. .... ... ... .... ....
.. .. .. .
... ....
... . . . . . .. .. … ..
... .... ... ... ... ....... ...... .....
Deep stuff.
I nearly cried when he said “. .. . . . .. .. … ... .. . . .... ....”
On Michael Jackson’s Death…
......... .. … … .. …..
... . .. … . . . .. . .. . .. …. .. .. . … ..
.... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... ....... ... ... ... .... ..... .. .
... . . … .. . . . ..
.... . .... ... .... .... ...
....... .... .... .... ..... ..... ..... .. . . .... .....
.. .. .
.. . .. . .. . ...
........ ... ... ... .. ... ........ ... .. .... ... ... .... ....
.. .. .. .
... ....
... . . . . . .. .. … ..
... .... ... ... ... ....... ...... .....
Deep stuff.
I nearly cried when he said “. .. . . . .. .. … ... .. . . .... ....”
Tailgater
A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up..
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door . She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake.
You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.'
I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do bumper sticker,
the 'Choose Life' license plate holder,
the 'Follow Me to Sunday -School' bumper sticker,
and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally..I assumed you had stolen the car.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up..
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door . She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake.
You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.'
I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do bumper sticker,
the 'Choose Life' license plate holder,
the 'Follow Me to Sunday -School' bumper sticker,
and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally..I assumed you had stolen the car.
Liver and Cheese
There's a Chihuahua and a Pit Bull sitting at the bar.
In walks a hottie of a Poodle, strutting her stuff.
The bartender bets both of them that they could not
pick up on her, with a line using the words "liver"
and "cheese".
The Pit Bull goes first and walks proudly over to her
and says "I got some liver back at my place." She turns
her nose up, and looks the other way. He then says "I
bet when you cut the cheese, it smells sweet." She
almost gagged with disgust, and was getting ready to
walk out, when the Chihuahua rolls up, and says "Liver
alone, cheese mine!"
In walks a hottie of a Poodle, strutting her stuff.
The bartender bets both of them that they could not
pick up on her, with a line using the words "liver"
and "cheese".
The Pit Bull goes first and walks proudly over to her
and says "I got some liver back at my place." She turns
her nose up, and looks the other way. He then says "I
bet when you cut the cheese, it smells sweet." She
almost gagged with disgust, and was getting ready to
walk out, when the Chihuahua rolls up, and says "Liver
alone, cheese mine!"
Married in Heavan
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple
are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find
themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting
for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting,
they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married
in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter
says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has
asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed
and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they
discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in
Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. "What
if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together
FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns,
looking somewhat bedraggled. Yes," he informs the couple,
"you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering,
what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce
in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard
onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months
to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long
it'll take me to find a LAWYER?"
are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find
themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting
for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting,
they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married
in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter
says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has
asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed
and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they
discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in
Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. "What
if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together
FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns,
looking somewhat bedraggled. Yes," he informs the couple,
"you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering,
what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce
in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard
onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months
to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long
it'll take me to find a LAWYER?"
The Senior Center
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you
all into a trance - I intend to hypnotize each and every
member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew
a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The
polished metal gleamed in the light.
Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your
eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's
been in my family for six generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while
quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch
the watch ....
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back
and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until,
suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to
the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.
'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.
It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center.
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you
all into a trance - I intend to hypnotize each and every
member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew
a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The
polished metal gleamed in the light.
Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your
eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's
been in my family for six generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while
quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch
the watch ....
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back
and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until,
suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to
the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.
'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.
It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center.
The Pope Meets Nancy
The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Madame Speaker and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before. To make it a little more interesting, Madame Speaker says to the Pope, "Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand
I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually,the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do..
"That was impressive, the Pope says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."
The speaker seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her.
The Madame Speaker and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before. To make it a little more interesting, Madame Speaker says to the Pope, "Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand
I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually,the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do..
"That was impressive, the Pope says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."
The speaker seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her.
The New Orleans Saints New Quarterback
The coach had put together the perfect team
for the New Orleans Saints.
The only thing that was missing was a good
quarterback. He had scouted all
the colleges and even the Canadian and
European Leagues, but he couldn't
find a ringer who could ensure a Super
Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he
saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan .
In one corner of the background,
he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier
with a truly incredible arm. He
threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th
story window 100 yards
away.
KABOOM!
He
threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a
chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing
car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach
said to himself. "He has the perfect
arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great
game of
football.
And the Saints go on to win the Super
Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great
hero of football, and when the
coach
asks him what he wants, all the
young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he
says into the phone, "I just won the Super
Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old
Muslim woman says."You are not
my
son!
"I don't think you
understand, Mother," the young man pleads.
"I've won the
greatest
sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands
of my
adoring
fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother
retorts. "At this very moment, there are
gunshots all around us. The
neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
brothers were beaten within
an inch of their lives last week, and I have to
keep your sister in the
house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady
pauses
and then
tearfully says,
"I will never
forgive you for making us move to New Orleans!"
for the New Orleans Saints.
The only thing that was missing was a good
quarterback. He had scouted all
the colleges and even the Canadian and
European Leagues, but he couldn't
find a ringer who could ensure a Super
Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he
saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan .
In one corner of the background,
he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier
with a truly incredible arm. He
threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th
story window 100 yards
away.
KABOOM!
He
threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a
chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing
car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach
said to himself. "He has the perfect
arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great
game of
football.
And the Saints go on to win the Super
Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great
hero of football, and when the
coach
asks him what he wants, all the
young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he
says into the phone, "I just won the Super
Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old
Muslim woman says."You are not
my
son!
"I don't think you
understand, Mother," the young man pleads.
"I've won the
greatest
sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands
of my
adoring
fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother
retorts. "At this very moment, there are
gunshots all around us. The
neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
brothers were beaten within
an inch of their lives last week, and I have to
keep your sister in the
house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady
pauses
and then
tearfully says,
"I will never
forgive you for making us move to New Orleans!"
The Proud Mother
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor asked, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno ."
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor asked, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno ."
Dying Cajun
An elderly cajun man lay dying in his bed. While
suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly
smelled the aroma of his favorite beignets wafting up the
stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from
the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled
downstairs. When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he
leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if
not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in
heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the table
were hundreds of his favorite beignets.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love
from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world
a happy man? He threw himself towards the table, landing on his
knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the
wondrous taste of the beignets was already in his
mouth.With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of
the table, when suddently he was smacked with a wooden
spoon by his wife.
"Stop," she said. "Those are for the funeral."
suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly
smelled the aroma of his favorite beignets wafting up the
stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from
the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled
downstairs. When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he
leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if
not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in
heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the table
were hundreds of his favorite beignets.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love
from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world
a happy man? He threw himself towards the table, landing on his
knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the
wondrous taste of the beignets was already in his
mouth.With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of
the table, when suddently he was smacked with a wooden
spoon by his wife.
"Stop," she said. "Those are for the funeral."
A Democrat's Predictions
Much as it pains me to say this, I have to admit it ... my Democrat friends were right.
They told me if I voted for McCain the nation's hope would deteriorate, and sure enough, there has been a 20 point drop in the Consumer Confidence Index since the election, reaching a lower point than any time during the Bush administration.
They told me if I voted for McCain the US would become more deeply embroiled in the Middle East, and now, tens of thousands of additional troops are scheduled to be deployed into Afghanistan .
My Democrat Party friends told me if I voted for McCain that the economy would get worse, and sure enough, unemployment is approaching 9.5% and the stimulus packages that were implemented sent the stock market lower than at any time since the Islamic Terrorists attacks of 9-11.
They told me if I voted for McCain we would see more "crooks" in high ranking positions in federal government, and sure enough, several recent cabinet nominees and Senate appointments revealed resumes of scandal, bribery and tax fraud.
They told me if I voted for McCain we would see more "pork at the trough" in federal government, and sure enough, some 17,500 "Pork Bills" have showed up in Congress since January 2009.
I was also told by my Democrat friends that if I voted for McCain we would see more deficit spending in Washington D..C., and sure enough, President Obama spent more in just 30 days than all other Presidents together in the entire history of the USA.
Well, I voted for McCain in November anyway, and my Democrat friends were right ... all of their predictions have come true!
They told me if I voted for McCain the nation's hope would deteriorate, and sure enough, there has been a 20 point drop in the Consumer Confidence Index since the election, reaching a lower point than any time during the Bush administration.
They told me if I voted for McCain the US would become more deeply embroiled in the Middle East, and now, tens of thousands of additional troops are scheduled to be deployed into Afghanistan .
My Democrat Party friends told me if I voted for McCain that the economy would get worse, and sure enough, unemployment is approaching 9.5% and the stimulus packages that were implemented sent the stock market lower than at any time since the Islamic Terrorists attacks of 9-11.
They told me if I voted for McCain we would see more "crooks" in high ranking positions in federal government, and sure enough, several recent cabinet nominees and Senate appointments revealed resumes of scandal, bribery and tax fraud.
They told me if I voted for McCain we would see more "pork at the trough" in federal government, and sure enough, some 17,500 "Pork Bills" have showed up in Congress since January 2009.
I was also told by my Democrat friends that if I voted for McCain we would see more deficit spending in Washington D..C., and sure enough, President Obama spent more in just 30 days than all other Presidents together in the entire history of the USA.
Well, I voted for McCain in November anyway, and my Democrat friends were right ... all of their predictions have come true!
Lemon Picker
A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove
seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said,
"I have to ask you this:
Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!" she replied.
"I've been divorced three times,
owned 2 Plymouths,
and I voted for Obama."
seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said,
"I have to ask you this:
Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!" she replied.
"I've been divorced three times,
owned 2 Plymouths,
and I voted for Obama."
Gentleman
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake
of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a
hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a
gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so
ugly it would lift itself."
of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a
hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a
gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so
ugly it would lift itself."
Rocket Science
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically
to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners,
military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at
maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent
incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the
strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager
to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed
trains. Arrangements were made. But when the gun was
fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled
out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield,
smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control
console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and
embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
The horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results
of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield,
and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
NASA's response was just one sentence, "Thaw the chicken."
to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners,
military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at
maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent
incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the
strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager
to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed
trains. Arrangements were made. But when the gun was
fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled
out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield,
smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control
console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and
embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
The horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results
of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield,
and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
NASA's response was just one sentence, "Thaw the chicken."
Fairy Tale
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch.
But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.
The End
But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.
The End
handy-woman
A blond teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.
"And by the way, "the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.
"And by the way, "the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
Going fishing
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took
place.
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing
this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the
house next weekend."
Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her
a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will
remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a
word. So they asked him. You haven't said anything about what you had to do
to be able to come fishing this weekend. " What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: " I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off
my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, " Fishing or Sex" and she said, "
Wear a Sweater."
place.
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing
this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the
house next weekend."
Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her
a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will
remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a
word. So they asked him. You haven't said anything about what you had to do
to be able to come fishing this weekend. " What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: " I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off
my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, " Fishing or Sex" and she said, "
Wear a Sweater."
Peter and the Elephant
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in
Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University
On a hike through the bush, he came
across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in
the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter
approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the
elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply
embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could,
Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the
elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to
face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face,
stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood
frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked
away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of
that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking
through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they
approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures
turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son
Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at
Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it
down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted
loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter
could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and
made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the
elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted
again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and
slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
This is for all of my friends who send me those heart-warming stories.
Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University
On a hike through the bush, he came
across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in
the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter
approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the
elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply
embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could,
Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the
elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to
face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face,
stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood
frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked
away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of
that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking
through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they
approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures
turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son
Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at
Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it
down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted
loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter
could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and
made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the
elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted
again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and
slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
This is for all of my friends who send me those heart-warming stories.
The Undertaker
Roy, an undertaker in Pennsylvania came home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife."
I had a terrible day," replies Roy ."I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep.
When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a
Body bag because he had this huge erection.
Anyway, I find the room and, sure enough, there's this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.
So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see," says his wife. "But how did you get the black eye?"
Roy replies, "Wrong room!"
How would you pronounce this child's name?
OKAY. How would you pronounce this child's name: "Le-a" ???
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced "Ledasha", When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."
SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If they axe you why, tell them the dash don't be silent.
Church Funnies
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, 'I'm not going.'
'Why not?' she asked.
I'll give you two good reasons,' he said. '(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them.'
His mother replied, 'I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church.
(1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!'
The Picnic
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
'This baked ham is really delicious,' the priest teased the rabbi. 'You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell m e, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?'
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, 'At your wedding.'
The Usher
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps, 'Where would you like to sit?' he asked politely.
'The front row please,' she answered.
'You really don't want to do that,' the usher said 'The pastor is really boring.'
'Do you happen to know who I am?' the woman inquired. 'No.' he said. 'I'm the pastor's mother,' she replied indignantly.
'Do you know who I am?' he asked. 'No.' she said. 'Good,' he answered and walked away.
The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
'I've had a pretty good life,' the twenty proclaimed. 'Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean '
'Wow!' said the one-dollar bill. 'You've really had an exciting life!'
'So tell me,' says the twenty, 'where have you been throughout your lifetime?'
The one dollar bill replies, 'Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church '
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, 'What's a church?'
Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly priest for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the priest asked their son what they were having. 'Goat,' the little boy replied.
'Goat?' replied the startled man of the cloth, 'Are you sure about that?'
'Yep,' said the youngster. 'I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'
'Why not?' she asked.
I'll give you two good reasons,' he said. '(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them.'
His mother replied, 'I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church.
(1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!'
The Picnic
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
'This baked ham is really delicious,' the priest teased the rabbi. 'You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell m e, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?'
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, 'At your wedding.'
The Usher
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps, 'Where would you like to sit?' he asked politely.
'The front row please,' she answered.
'You really don't want to do that,' the usher said 'The pastor is really boring.'
'Do you happen to know who I am?' the woman inquired. 'No.' he said. 'I'm the pastor's mother,' she replied indignantly.
'Do you know who I am?' he asked. 'No.' she said. 'Good,' he answered and walked away.
The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
'I've had a pretty good life,' the twenty proclaimed. 'Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean '
'Wow!' said the one-dollar bill. 'You've really had an exciting life!'
'So tell me,' says the twenty, 'where have you been throughout your lifetime?'
The one dollar bill replies, 'Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church '
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, 'What's a church?'
Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly priest for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the priest asked their son what they were having. 'Goat,' the little boy replied.
'Goat?' replied the startled man of the cloth, 'Are you sure about that?'
'Yep,' said the youngster. 'I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'
Gone Fishing
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?'
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?'
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing.
Babtist Shampoo
While shopping in a grocery store, two Baptist
church ladies happened
to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.
One asked the other if
she would like a beer.
The second good Baptist sister answered that,
indeed, it would be very
nice to have one, but that she would feel
uncomfortable about
purchasing it.
The first sister replied that she would handle
that without a problem.
She picked up a six-pack and took it to the
cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look, so the good
Baptist sister said,
'This is for washing our hair.'
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached
under the counter and put
a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the
beer. 'The curlers are
on me.'
church ladies happened
to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.
One asked the other if
she would like a beer.
The second good Baptist sister answered that,
indeed, it would be very
nice to have one, but that she would feel
uncomfortable about
purchasing it.
The first sister replied that she would handle
that without a problem.
She picked up a six-pack and took it to the
cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look, so the good
Baptist sister said,
'This is for washing our hair.'
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached
under the counter and put
a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the
beer. 'The curlers are
on me.'
Choosing A Wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much..
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest tits.
Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much..
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest tits.
Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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