Chief Meteorologist

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the heck the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several day she got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service

responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked. "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

Looking for Mice

A man and his wife have just finished having sex and
he is in the bathroom removing a condom. Unexpectedly,
his little boy walks in and says, "Daddy, what are you
doing?".

The father, not wanting to tell his young son what he
is really doing says, "Oh, I was just looking for mice".

The little boy looks puzzled, then says "What are you
doing? Screwin' em?"

Slow Talker

These two guys meet after not having seen each other
for many many years. The first guy asks the second guy,
"How have things been going?" The second guy - speaking
very s..l..o..w..l..y.. - tells the first guy, "I
w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d."
The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter
any more." The answer comes,

" Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r..
a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f
I s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l
n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r."

The first friend congratulates him and then asks again
about how he was almost married.

"W..e..l..l m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d
I w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..r
p..o...r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s
s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k
a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n
w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..n
d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e
t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y
f..a..c..e.."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?"
asks the first friend. " W..e..l..l I s..p..e..a..k
s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e
t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d.. a..t
t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g
h..i..s b..a..l..l..s"

California

Not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, & Texan jokes... You
know you're in California when......

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is
named Breeze.

5.. You can't remember...is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm
donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

9. You can't remember...is pot illegal?

10. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

11. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

12. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the US

13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless
chaps. You don't even notice.

14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30am at Starbucks wearing the
baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George
Clooney.

15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who
delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in
drag.

17. You can't remember...is pot illegal?

18. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news
station: "STORM WATCH 2003."

19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy
Banks himself is teaching the 4:00pm Tae Bo class.

20. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all
busy with their cells or pagers.

21. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour
early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

22. Hey!!!! Is Pot Illegal????

23. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

24. The Terminator is your new governor.

The Marine

One sunny day in 2005, an old man approached the White House from across
Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke
to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet
with President Kerry." The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Kerry is not
President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked
away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to
the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."
The Marine again told the man, " Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Kerry is
not President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again
walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the
very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President
Kerry."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and
said, "Sir! , this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to
speak to Mr.Kerry. I've told you already that Mr. Kerry is not the
President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"


The old man answered, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it." The
Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow".

The importance of excercise

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the heck she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

Salvation Army

A drunk went into a telephone booth and dialed at random. "Salvation Army," was the answer.

"What do you do?" asked the man.

"We save wicked men and women," came the reply.

"Okay, save me a wicked woman for Saturday night."

Rabbit, the Man, and the Blonde

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately, the little rabbit
jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks him what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so the man can read the label.

It says:

It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds a permanent wave."

Walmart Wine

Some Walmart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item

Walmart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range. While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Walmart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is important."

The top 13 suggested names for Walmart Wine

13. Chateau Traileur Parc

12. White Trashfindel

11. Big Red Gulp

10. Grape Expectations

9. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"

8. NASCARbernet

7. Chef Boyardeaux

6. Peanut Noir

5. Chateau des Moines

4. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!

3. World Championship Riesling

2. Sams Shiraz

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine ...

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with both white meat (Possum) and red meat (squirrel).

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine".

GO AHEAD

This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS

A woman is thanking you..Do

You might be a Floridian if:

You exhibit a slight twitch when introduced to anyone with the first
names of Charley, Frances, Ivan or Jeanne

Your freezer never has more than $20 worth of food in it any given
time

You're looking at paint swatches for the plywood on your windows,
to accent the house color

You think of your hall closet/saferoom as "cozy"

Your pool is more accurately described as "framed in" than
"screened in"

Your freezer in the garage now only has homemade ice in it

You no longer worry about relatives visiting during the summer
months

You too haven't heard back from the insurance adjuster

You now understand what that little "2% hurricane deductible"
phrase really means

You're putting a collage together on your driveway of roof shingles
from your neighborhood

You were once proud of your 16" electric chain saw

Your Street has more than 3 "NO WAKE" signs posted

You now own 5 large ice chests

Your parrot can now say" hammered, pounded and hunker down"

You recognize people in line at the free ice, gas and plywood
locations

You stop what you're doing and clap and wave when you see a convoy
of power company trucks come down your street

You're depressed when they don't stop

You have the personal cell phone numbers of the managers for:
plywood, roofing supplies and generators at Home Depot on your speed dialer

You've spent more than $20 on "Tall white kitchen bags" to make
your own sand bags

You're considering upgrading your 16" to a 20" chainsaw

You know what "Bar chain oil" is

You're thinking of getting your wife the hardhat with the ear
protector and face shield for Christmas

You now think the $6000 whole house generator seems reasonable.

You look forward to ! discussions about the merits of "cubed, block
and dry ice"

Your therapist refers to your condition as "generator envy"

You fight the urge to put on your winter coat and wool cap and parade
around in front of your picture window, when you finally get power and your
neighbor across the street, with the noisy generator doesn't get electric

And finally, you might be a Floridian if You ask your sister up
north to start saving the Sunday Real Estate classifieds!

Oh No....

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in awhile he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go." But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality, whispering.........................

"Dave, you're a veterinarian...”

Food For Thought

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't
people from Holland called, "Holes"?

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia,
would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts,"
and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other
penny?

Why do you park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a
broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just
stale bread to begin with.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist,
but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, doesn't terrific
mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the
English language. Could it be that "I Do." is the longest
sentence?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are
1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them,
but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will
have to touch it to be sure?

Ladies vs. Real Women

Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?

Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Women - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the inside of the cake.
Real Women - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you.

Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Real Women - Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.

Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Real Women - Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.

And finally the most important tip!.....

Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Real Women - Leftover wine??

Who's the Boss?

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. (Don't ask why or how, it just happens...)

God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

Close Shave

A man went to a barber for a trim and a shave. While the barber was lathering the man up for his shave, the man told the barber that he always has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks. The barber pulled a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer.

 "Place this ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and I can give you a close shave."
The man did this, and the barber shaved the right side of his face.
"Wow!" exclaimed the man, "that is great!"  He put the ball in the left side of his mouth, in anticipation of the barber's next move and with muffled voice asked,
"Buh wat happens if I accidentowy swawo du baw?"
The barber said, "Just bring it back tomorrow. That's what most guys do

---

Want to be your own boss? Learn how on Yahoo! Small Business.

The Lawyer and the Blonde

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other at the bar. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, drunk and dozing, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50," figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.

He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

How to install a security system in the South...

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo
magazine and your NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant-sized dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went for more ammunition.
Back in about an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked
the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think
Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
Anyways, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait in your
truck till I get back."

Church Telephone

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around
the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started
working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began
taking photographs and making notes.

He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall, and was intrigued
with a sign which read, "$10,000 per minute."

Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign. The
pastor answered that the golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to
Heaven,and if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake City, Denver,
Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more such
phones, with the same sign, and the same explanation from each
pastor.

Finally, the man arrived in the lovely state of Georgia. Upon entering
a church, behold: he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time,
the sign read: "Calls: 25 cents"!

Fascinated, the man asked to speak with the pastor.

"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each
church I have found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a
direct line to Heaven, and that I could use it to talk to God..
But in 20 other churches, the cost was $10,000 per minute. Your sign
says 25 cents per call. Why is that?

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied:

"Son, you're in the South now, and it's a local call."

40 year curse

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he
has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."