A man came walking up to his grandparent's house when
he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in
a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old
man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing
on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last
week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff
neck. This is your grandma's idea."
Heaven's New Acceptance Policy
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the
admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to
have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect
at noon the next day.
So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The
Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, 'Before I
let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.'
'No problem,' the man said. 'I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch
hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I
imm ediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as
I searched the entire apartment.
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony an d
noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve
of that guy!
Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the
ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke
his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.
In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands
on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the
refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and tipped it over
the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died
almost instantly.'
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day
It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, 'OK, sir. Welcome to the
Kingdom of Heaven,' and let him in.
A few seconds later Donald Trump a r rived at the gates..
'Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like
when you died.'
Trump said, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this I was on the
balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a
lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got
a little carried away, slipped and accidentally fell over the side!
Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine.
But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts
cussing and stomps on my fingers Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and
bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.
As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating
pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It
falls the 25 floors and lands on top of m e, killing me instantly.'
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. 'I could
get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the Angel
announces. 'Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and he lets Trump enter.
A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too
shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's
head. Finally he says, 'Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day
you died.'
Clinton says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......'
admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to
have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect
at noon the next day.
So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The
Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, 'Before I
let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.'
'No problem,' the man said. 'I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch
hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I
imm ediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as
I searched the entire apartment.
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony an d
noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve
of that guy!
Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the
ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke
his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.
In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands
on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the
refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and tipped it over
the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died
almost instantly.'
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day
It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, 'OK, sir. Welcome to the
Kingdom of Heaven,' and let him in.
A few seconds later Donald Trump a r rived at the gates..
'Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like
when you died.'
Trump said, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this I was on the
balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a
lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got
a little carried away, slipped and accidentally fell over the side!
Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine.
But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts
cussing and stomps on my fingers Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and
bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.
As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating
pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It
falls the 25 floors and lands on top of m e, killing me instantly.'
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. 'I could
get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the Angel
announces. 'Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and he lets Trump enter.
A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too
shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's
head. Finally he says, 'Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day
you died.'
Clinton says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......'
MORNING SEX
She was in the kitchen p reparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment."
His eyes lit up and he thought,
"This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
And then gave it his all;
Right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said,
"Thanks,"
And returned to the stove.
More than a little pu zzled, he asked,
"What was that all about?"
She explained,
"The egg timer's broken."
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment."
His eyes lit up and he thought,
"This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
And then gave it his all;
Right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said,
"Thanks,"
And returned to the stove.
More than a little pu zzled, he asked,
"What was that all about?"
She explained,
"The egg timer's broken."
THE HORTH WHITHPERER
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf"?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I thee her twat"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the gr ound.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephwase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit"?
His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf"?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I thee her twat"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the gr ound.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephwase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit"?
Watch for these consolidations in 2008
1) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2) PolyGram Records, Warner Bros., and Zest Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner, Cracker.
3) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.
4) Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa .
5) FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.
6) Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.
7) Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.
8) Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!
9) Stop & Shop Supermarkets and A&P Supermarkets will become:
Stop & P.
And finally........
10) Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
Titty Titty Bang Bang.
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2) PolyGram Records, Warner Bros., and Zest Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner, Cracker.
3) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.
4) Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa .
5) FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.
6) Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.
7) Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.
8) Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!
9) Stop & Shop Supermarkets and A&P Supermarkets will become:
Stop & P.
And finally........
10) Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
Titty Titty Bang Bang.
Philly Cop vs. New York Lawyer
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Philly cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Philadelphia, Pa. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Philly cop's expense.
The cop says," License and registration, please."
"What for?" says the lawyer.
The cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
"You still didn't come to a complete stop", Says the cop."License and registration, please."
The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the cop says.
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration;
and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the cop says.
At this point, the cop takes out his billy club and starts beating the shit out of the lawyer and says,
"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
The cop says," License and registration, please."
"What for?" says the lawyer.
The cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
"You still didn't come to a complete stop", Says the cop."License and registration, please."
The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the cop says.
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration;
and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the cop says.
At this point, the cop takes out his billy club and starts beating the shit out of the lawyer and says,
"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
Cleaning the toilet
| 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid. 4. T he cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This prov ides a "power-wash" and rinse". 6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. 9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.! Sincerely, The Dog |
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