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A daily joke blog.

Risque Riddles

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!

Gobble, Gobble, Gobble

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy,
"Where did you get that turkey?"
The boy replied, "What turkey?"
The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."
The boy look down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"
The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?
The little boy said, "I guess I'll kiss his ass and let him go."

Brokeback Huntin' Camp

The guys were all at a deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No
one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.

They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole
time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said,"Man, what happened to you?"

He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all
night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched
him all night ."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football
player; a man's man.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.
"Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed,
patted his ass and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me
all night."

How to Feed a Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your
left arm as if holding a baby. Position right
forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding
pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill
into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.




2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind
sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.




3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill
away.




4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left
arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force
jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right
forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.




5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top
of wardr o be. Call spouse from garden.




6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between
knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls
emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with
one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop
pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.




7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill
from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and
repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines
and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing
later.




8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on
cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put
pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with
pencil and blow down drinking straw.




9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply
Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap.




10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another
pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and
close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down
throat with elastic band.



11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard
door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of
scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to
cheek and check records for date of last tetanus
shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.
Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and
fetch new one from bedroom.




12. Call fire department to retr ieve the damn cat
from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who
crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take
last pill from foil wrap.




13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws
with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining
table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of
filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically
and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill
down.




14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive
you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor
stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill
remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way
home to order new table.




15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell
and call local pet shop to see if they have any
hamsters.


How To Give A Dog A Pill


1. Wrap it in bacon.



2. Toss it in the air.

Seven Dwarves

The Seven Dwarves walk up to a Nunnery and huddle out
side the door to discuss something. Then Doc walks up
to the door and knocks. The Mother Superior opens the
door and Doc asks her if the are any 3 ft nuns in this
nunnery. The mother superior looks at him funny and
says, "There are no 3 ft nuns here."

Doc thanks her and goes back to the group and they huddle
again making all sorts of whispering noises. Happy walks
up to the door and knocks jovially. Mother Superior
opens the door and Happy asks if there are any 3 ft
nuns in the country. Mother Superior wonders what is
going on, but says, "No, there are no 3 ft nuns in the
country."

Happy thanks her and goes back to the group. They discuss
and send Grumpy up to the door. The mother opens the
door and Grumpy asks her if there are any 3 ft nuns
on that continent, and the mother superior, frustrated,
says" NO, there are no 3ft nuns on the this continent."

Grumpy growls a thank you and goes back to the group.
After a few minutes, they send Sleepy. He knocks on
the door and the Mother Superior opens the door, sees
Sleepy standing there, yells, "NO THERE NO 3FT NUNS
ON THE ENTIRE PLANET. NONE. THERE NEVER WERE AND NEVER
WILL BE ANY 3FT NUNS.EVER." and slams the door.

Sleepy yawns and goes back the group. He shakes his
head. The rest of the group turns to Dopey and starts
chanting:

"DOPEY F______ A PENGUIN, A PENGUIN, A PENGUIN! DOPEY
FUCKED A PENGUIN, A ..."

Einstein's Misquoted Theory

March 19 was Einstein's birthday. He would have been 128.

Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.

He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed.

He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.

This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.

Let the beatings begin

Atlanta, Ga. (AP) -A nine-year old boy was at the center of a Douglas
County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over
who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law
and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest
degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his
aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live
with her.

When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the
Boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the
remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence
was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the
unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have
custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody of the minor
child to the Atlanta Falcons, whom the boy firmly believes are not
capable of beating anyone.

Honeymoon Night

Fred and Mary got married but couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mom says, "No."

He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom, getting aggravated, replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

YOUR HAIR SMELLS GOOD!

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in Human Resources and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

Costume Ball

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited
to a fancy costume ball. He doesn't know what to wear
to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a costume
company and explains the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.
"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The
spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with
your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just
been very politically incorrect by emphasizing his wooden
leg, so he writes a very rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note
which says, "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find
enclosed a monks habit. The long robe will cover your
wooden leg, and with your bald head you will really
look the part." Now the man is really annoyed since
they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing
his bald head. He now writes the company an extremely
rude letter about being politically incorrect.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which
reads: "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel.
Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your
wooden leg up your ass, and go as a candied apple!"

Not Your Mama's Chili...

A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

Chemical Analysis

HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SYSTEM - MATERIAL SAFETY
DATA SHEET

WOMEN: A Chemical Analysis

ELEMENT: Woman

SYMBOL: Wo

DISCOVERER: Adam

ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 118 lbs., but known to vary
from 75 to 550 lbs.

OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities throughout the world

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface usually covered with a painted film.

2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.

3. Melts if given special treatment.

4. Bitter if incorrectly used.

5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal
to common ore.

6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum,
and precious stones.

2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.

3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning,
and for no known reason.

4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased
by saturation in alcohol.

5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.

2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.

3. Very effective cleaning agent.

TESTS:

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in
natural state.

2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARDS:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.

2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several
can be maintained at different locations as long as
specimens do not come into direct contact with each
other.



HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET - MATERIALS
SAFETY DATA SHEET

MEN: A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

ELEMENT: MAN

SYMBOL: Ego

DISCOVERER: Eve. Discovered by accident one day
when she had a craving for ribs.

ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 170 lbs, known to vary
from 98 to 360 lbs.

OCCURRENCE: Large quantities in all populated
areas. Highly concentrated deposits at all sporting
events and areas known as "singles bars".

Extremely low quantities can be found in any location
where cleaning up is required. (See Women and Slave
Labor)

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface often covered with hair--bristly in some
areas, soft in others.

2. Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with
Logic and Common Sense.

3. Melts if treated like a God.

4. Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle
with extreme caution.

5. Specimens can be found in various states ranging
from deeply sensitive to extremely thick.

6. Becomes stubborn and unyielding when pressure is
applied; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery
are applied.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Is repelled by concentrated quantities of precious
and semi-precious metals and stones (See Jewelery Store).
However, is attracted to quantities of these when viewed
worn against the skin of a woman. It is believed woman's
skin combines with the aforementioned to create a highly
magnetic attraction for this element.

2. May explode spontaneously if wallet is opened.

3. Requires copious quantities of substances known as
attention, reassurance, and stroking.

4. When saturated with Alcohol will be fairly inert
and will repel most other elements.

5. Is repelled by most household appliances and common
household cleansers.

6. Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers,
particularly those of the malodorous variety.

7. Is rendered non-functional when confronted with the
items in #5 & #6.

8. Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.

9. Is impervious to embarrassment.

10. Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent
known to woman.

Political Differences

Sometimes it is difficult for a few of you to tell the difference between Republicans &
Democrats. Here is simple illustration of the difference between the two
parties.....................

Fred Thompson and Hillary Clinton were walking down the street when they came to a
homeless person. The Republican, Fred Thompson, gave the homeless person
his business card and told him to come to his office for a job. He then took
$20 out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

Hillary was very impressed, so when they came to another homeless person,
she decided to help. She walked over to the homeless person and gave him
directions to the welfare office. She then reached into Thompson's pocket
and got out $20 - she kept $15 for her administrative fees an d gave the
homeless person $5.

Now, you understand the difference?

THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his physician and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The hillbilly said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

( you'll love this...)

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Alabama, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, Florida, West Virginia and Washington DC.

Two-Story House

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.
The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says,
"Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."

"Because," the man says,"I live in a two-story house."

The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What
is the big deal about a two-story house?"

The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a
headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of
the month.'"

Medical Definitions

Medical Definitions

We've all heard about men having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed,
the definition for each listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you
still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and liquor, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on
the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both clearly
result in death.

"Life consists not of holding good cards but in playing those you hold well."

What's in a Name?

An Otea Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and shaman of
the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the
white men have short names - Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"

His father replied, "Well, you see, my son, our names represent a
symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture, not like the white men, who
live all together and repeat their names from generation to
generation. Also, it is part of our heritage that in spite of
everything, we survive. For example, your sister's name is Small
Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there
was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake. Then there is your
brother, Big White Horse Of The Prairies, because he was born on a day
that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world
appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and
the life force of our people. It's very simple and easy to
understand."

"Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?"

Pancackes

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

The Sermon

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No shit?"

Teenage Sex

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:

"Oh Mom, you don't have to worry about that. I'm dating Susan!"

End of the Honeymoon

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon, honey?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned home, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean all these awful 4-letter words. You've gotta take me home...PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "Calm down. You need to stay with your husband and work this thing out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful. PULEEZE, COME GET ME, MAMA!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has gotten you so upset. Tell your mother about those horrible 4-letter words."

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama...he used words like: dust, wash, iron, and cook."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," the mother said.

Boy and his Train

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her
five-year-old son playing with his new electric train
in the living room. She heard the train stop and her
son saying, "All you bastards who want off, get the
hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you
bastards who are getting on, get your asses in the train,
'cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't
use that kind of language in this house. Now I want
you to go to your room and you are to stay there for
two hours. When you come out, you may play with your
train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and
resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped
and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who
are disembarking the train, please remember to take
all your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling
with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She then hears the boy continue, "For those o f you
just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage
under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the
train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing
journey with us today." Just as the mother began to
smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed
off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in
the kitchen."

Pilot Conversations

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff line: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,

"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."


The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign: Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"

Camping Trip

Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her
husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered
to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together
and assigned different duties to each scout.

Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would
be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their
maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide
on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule
and Sally would test all their equipment before setting
out.

They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was
excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting
ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain.
But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally
asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course,
Mike said he would.

About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally,
"I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with
the matches you brought."

Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches should
be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we
left."

UCLA Study

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his forehead while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected

LET HIM DIG

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......"

Out of gas

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas.
Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"?

"I'm out of gas!"

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

"Try it now," said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow!" the man exclaimed.
"What did you put in my gas tank"?

The bee answered, "BP."

Martha

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his
Ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the Patio
table.


Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to Him....
"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the
insurance money!"


She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with
the insurance money!"


Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the
Ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it
Too, with the insurance money!"


Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Herman,
Remember that blow job I promised you?" Here it comes..........

gofugyourself

Well, if you don't like the frequency of my posts, and need a little deviation, well then.... gofugyourself.

I'm not one who cares about fashion, but this is just damn funny.

New Orleans

This happened on a flight getting ready to depart for New Orleans.
Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.
"What's the matter?" Jack asked.
"I've been transferred to New Orleans, there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."
Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

The Cannibal Cafe

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?"

The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one?" They're full of shit!

Your Pet's Diaries

The Dog's Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


The Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now..

The Obedient Wife

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his
money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to
take all my money and put it in the casket with me.

I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he
died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in
black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony and just before the undertakers got
ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her. She came over with the box and put it in the
casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So, her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all
that money in there with your husband?"


The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my
word.

I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with
him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
exclaimed the friend.

"Sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Dentures

A couple of old guys were golfing one day, when one of the men said that he was going to go to Dr. Basil for a new set of dentures in the morning. His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first old gentleman asked." Did he do a good job?" The second gent replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot.

The ball must have been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the testicles." The first old guy was confused and asked, "What does that have to do with your dentures?" The second man answered, "That was the first time in two years that my teeth didn't hurt."

Children and the Church

A little boy was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man
marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an
answer so quickly.

"How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said.

"All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said,

4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

º°'°Âº?o,,,,o?º°'°Âº?o?º°'°Âº?o,,,,o?º°'°Âº?o?º°'?

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly
announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when
I grow up."

"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"

"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday
anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than
to sit and listen."

?º°'°Âº?o,,,,o?º°'°Âº?o?º°'°Âº?o,,,,o?º°'°Âº?o?




A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church
service, "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who
passed trash against us."

?º°'°Âº?o,,,,o?º°'°Âº?o?º°'°Âº?o,,,,o?º°'°Âº?o?




A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.

"How do you know what to say?" he asked.

"Why, God tells me."

"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

?º°'°Âº?o,,,,o?º°'°Âº?o?º°'°Âº?o,,,,o?º°'°Âº?o?


A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and
on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,

"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

?º°'°Âº?o,,,,o?º°'°Âº?o?º°'°Âº?o,,,,o?º°'°Âº?o??

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny
sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car........ His
father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up
in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"

?º°'°Âº?o,,,,o?º°'°Âº?o?º°'°Âº?o,,,,o?º°'°Âº?o??



Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their
favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which
showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it
was meant to represent.

"The Flight to Egypt ," was his reply .

Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph,
and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?"

"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"



?
º°'°Âº?o,,,,o?º°'°Âº?o?º°'°Âº?o,,,,o?º°'°Âº


The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you
say prayers before eating?"

"No sir," little Johnny replies, I don't have to. My mom is a good
cook."

?º°'°Âº?o,,,,o?º°'°Âº?o?º°'°Âº?o,,,,o?º°'°Âº?o?





?º°'°Âº?o,,,,o?º°'°Âº?o?º°'°Âº?o,,,,o?º°'°Âº?o?

This is the best one.



A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a
bedtime story.

From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up
to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own
cheek, then his again.

Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."

"Oh," she paused, "grandpa, did God make me too?"

"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while
ago."

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting
better at it, isn't he ?

Three Labs

3 Labrador retrievers (chocolate, yellow and black) are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.
The black lab turns to the chocolate and says, "So why are you here?"
He replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything -- the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna give me Prozac", came the reply from the chocolate lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."
He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I crossed the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.
"Looks like Prozac for me too", the dejected yellow lab said. The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for.
"I'm a humper", the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped
on her back and started humping away."
The yellow and chocolate labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?" The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

Muscular Contractions

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular
Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was
not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood
slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you
know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied,

"Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class

Honeymoon Willie

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin, in - every - way"

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week."
He took four tongue depressors, and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; .... an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one else has EVER touched these.

He immediately drops his pants and replies,
"Look at this, still in it's original CRATE!"

A Child's View of Angels

I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold.

Gregory, 5

I hear angels all the time in my dreams. And I'm sticking with that no matter how many people tell me I'm crazy.

Molly, 8

Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why but scientists are working on it.

Olive, 9

It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.

Matthew, 9

My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science.

Henry, 8

Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from holy cows.

Jack, 6

Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The basic message is where you went wrong before you got dead.

Daniel, 9

When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado.

Regan, 10

Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter.

Sara, 6

Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.

Jared, 8

All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it. Antonia, 9

My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.

Katelyn, 9

Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the kid get over it.

Vicki, 8

What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.

Sarah, 7

The Birth Order of Children

Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress-a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins (a favorite):

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.

3rd child : When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!


GRANDCHILDREN: God's reward for allowing your children to
live.

To be 6 again

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

“I'd like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, “Well Dear, what was it like being six again??”

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. I meant my Dress Size, you dumbass!!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.

TOP 12 COUNTRY SONGS FOR 2006

12. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine.
11. It's Hard to Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass All Day.
10. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
9. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well.
8. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
7. I Wouldn't Take Her to a Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
6. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here.
4. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now.
3. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him.
2. She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger.

And the number 1 Country Song is:
1. I Ain't Never Gone to Bed With Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With a Few.

More old men

Two elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said,"For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"

Bill replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?"

"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty' and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

Two Old Guys

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big bust, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"
To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."

Kids

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria!


TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."


TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.


TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.


TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.



TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!



TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.


TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."



TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree,
but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish
him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.


TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.


TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your
brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.


TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

Christmas With Louise

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize.

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health

7 reasons not to mess with children.

1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.


The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".



2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl: replied, "They will in a minute."



3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."



4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes s at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"




5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."



6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."



7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic
Elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, a t the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples

Top Idiots of 2006

Number One Idiot of 2006


I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away. Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.


Number Two Idiot of 2006


Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.


Number Three Idiot of 2006


A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote, "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.


Number Four Idiot of 2006


A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40. Smartbutt. But you still get a sign.


Number Five Idiot of 2006


A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later. This guy definitely needs a sign.


Idiot Number Six of 2006


A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.


Idiot Number Seven of 2006


Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of plexi-glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. Yep, here's your sign. (Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote)

Broken

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting, or as some churches call it, "Cry Sunday", one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation:

"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum"

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats. "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "there but for the grace of God go I."

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation:

My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is:

"STERNUM!"

The New Priest

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the
older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of
confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand... and try saying things like ........ "Yes, I see," and "Yes, go on," and "I understand."
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats
all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says, "Now,don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit... what happened next?"

Elderly Couple

An elderly man was visiting the doctor for a routine check up. The doctor gives him the all clear and asked him, "Is there anything else bothering you?" The elderly man answered, "Well I find that the first time my wife an I have sex im hot and sweaty afterwards, but the second time I feel cold and chilly afterwards." The doctor told him he couldn't explain it but would look into it.

Later on that day the same doctor was examining the elderly mans wife and asked her the same question, "Is there anything else bothering you? Your husband claims that he feels hot and sweaty after the first time you have sex, but cold and chilly after the second time. Can you explain?"

"That stupid bastard," the woman answered.

"That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is in December!"

Little Johnny

Little Johnny had a cussing problem, and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.
"I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the son of a bitch!!"

50th Anniversary

With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the Temple's marriage marathon, the Rabbi asked the husband, Ralph, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The Rabbi inquired, "Trips to where?"

"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."

The Rabbi then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"

"I'm going to go get her."

A Redneck Comback

Two businessmen in Birmingham, Alabama are sitting in their soon-to-be new store...as yet, the store isn't ready - only a few shelves are set up.
One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some redneck is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious redneck walks to the window, has a peek and asks, "What y'all sellin' here?"
One of the men, being a smartass, replies, "Oh! We're selling assholes here."
Without skipping a beat, the redneck says, "Well, I see y'all are doing really good, you only got two left!"

Old Prospector and the Gunslinger

An old prospector walked his tired old mule into this western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail .

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon. He had a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other hand. He looked at the old man and laughed. Then he said "Hey old man have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at him and said "No I never did dance, I just never did want to". A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said "Well you old fool you're gonna dance now". And he started shooting at the old man's feet. The old man was hopping around and every body was laughing.

He fired his last bullet then holstered his gun and he turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man reached up on the mule got his shotgun and pulled the hammers back making a clicking sound. The gunslinger heard this then every thing got quiet. He turned around and was looking at both barrels aimed at him. The old man asked him" Did you ever kiss a mule right on the ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed then said "No, but I've always wanted to”

Two Tourists

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"


The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.

Tax Plans Explained

If you don't understand the Democrats' version of tax refunds, maybe this will help explain it:

5,000 people go to a baseball game, but the game was rained out. A refund was then due. The team was about to mail refunds when a group of Congressional Democrats stopped them and suggested that they send us the ticket refunds based on the Democrat National Committee's interpretation of fairness.

Originally the refunds were to be paid based on the price each person had paid for the tickets. Unfortunately that meant most of the refund money would be going to the ticket holders that had purchased the most expensive tickets.

This, according to the DNC, is considered totally unfair. A decision was then made to pay out the refunds in this manner:

People in the $10 seats will get back $15. After all, they have less money to spend on tickets to begin with. Call it an "Earned Income Ticket Credit."

Persons "earn" it by having few skills, poor work habits, and low ambition, thus keeping them at entry-level wages.

People in the $25 seats will get back $25, because it "seems fair."

People in the $50 seats will get back $1, because they already make a lot of money and don't need a refund. After all, if they can afford a $50 ticket, they must not be paying enough taxes.

People in the $75 luxury box seats will each have to pay an additional $25 because it's the "right thing to do."

People walking past the stadium that couldn't afford to buy a ticket for the game each will get a $10 refund, even though they didn't pay anything for the tickets. They need the most help. Sometimes this is known as Affirmative Action.

Now do you understand?

If not, contact Speaker Nancy Pelosi for assistance.