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A daily joke blog.

THE LITTLE RED HEN (TODAY'S VERSION)

The little red hen called all of her Democrat neighbors together and said, 'If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?'




'Not I,' said the cow.




'Not I,' said the duck.




'Not I,' said the pig.




'Not I,' said the goose.




'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did. The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain.




'Who will help me reap my wheat?' asked the little red hen.




'Not I,' said the duck...




'Out of my classification,' said the pig.




'I'd lose my seniority,' said the cow.




'I'd lose my unemployment compensation,' said the goose.




'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did.




At last it came time to bake the bread.




'Who will help me bake the bread?' asked the little red hen.




'That would be overtime for me,' said the cow.




'I'd lose my welfare benefits,' said the duck.




'I'm a dropout and never learned how,' said the pig.




'If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination,' said the goose.




'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen.




She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, 'No, I shall eat all five loaves.'




'Excess profits!' cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)




'Capitalist leech!' screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)




'I demand equal rights!' yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)




The pig just grunted in disdain. (Barney Frank)




And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.




Then the farmer (Obama) came. He said to the little red hen, 'You must not be so greedy.'




'But I earned the bread,' said the little red hen. 'Exactly,' said Barack the farmer. 'That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle.'




And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, 'I am grateful, for now I truly understand.'




But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the 'party' and got her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.




Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared..so long as there was free bread that 'the rich' were paying for.

Finally

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

She remarried a third time and this time had 5 more children.

She finally died after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and mother and said, 'Lord, they're finally together.'

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,
'Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?'

The friend replied, 'I think he means her legs.'

Government Truisms

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose
you were a member of Congress. But then
I repeat myself. - Mark Twain
..................................................................................................................


I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into
prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and
trying to lift himself up by the handle.
- Winston Churchill
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A government which robs Peter to pay Paul
can always depend on the support of Paul.
- George Bernard Shaw
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A liberal is someone who feels a great debt
to his fellow man....which debt he proposes
to pay off with your money. - G. Gordon Liddy
...........................................................................................................................


Democracy must be something more than
two wolves and a sheep voting on what to
have for dinner. - James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
..........................................................................................................................


Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer
of money from poor people in rich countries
to rich people in poor countries. - Douglas Casey,
Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown Univ.
..........................................................................................................................




Giving money and power to government is like
giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
...........................................................................................................................



Government is the great fiction, through which
everybody endeavors to live at the expense of
everybody else. - Frederic Bastiat, French
Economist (1801-1850)
.........................................................................................................................


Government's view of the economy could be summed
up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps
moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
- Ronald Reagan (1986)
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I don't make jokes. I just watch the government
and report the facts. - Will Rogers
.......................................................................................................................


If you think health care is expensive now,
wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
- P.J. O'Rourke
.....................................................................................................................



In general, the art of government consists
of taking as much money as possible from one
party of the citizens to give to the other.
- Voltaire (1764)

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Just because you do not take an interest
in politics doesn't mean politics won't take
an interest in you! - Pericles (430 B.C.)
....................................................................................................................



No man's life, liberty, or property is safe
while the legislature is in session.
- Mark Twain (1866)
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Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
- Unknown
......................................................................................................................




The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal
sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing
of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
- Winston Churchill
................................................................................................




The only difference between a tax man and a
taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
- Mark Twain
..........................................................................................................................



The ultimate result of shielding men from the
effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
..........................................................................................................................



There is no distinctly native American criminal
class...save Congress. - Mark Twain
............................................................................................................................




What this country needs are more unemployed
politicians. - Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)
...........................................................................................................................



A government big enough to give you everything you
want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
- Thomas Jefferson
....................................................................................................

"Government is not the solution to our problem;
government is the problem. if no one among us is
capable of governing himself, then who among us
has the capacity to govern someone else?"
- Ronald Reagan, First Inaugural Address, 1/20/1981

Animals that were formerly self-sufficient are now showing signs of Democratic Party influence...

They have apparently stopped foraging and have learned to simply sit and wait for the government to provide for their care and sustenance.



The photo below captures a disturbing trend that is beginning to affect wildlife in the US.

Notice to All Employees

As of November 5, 2008, IF President Obama is officially elected into office, our company will instill a few new policies which are in keeping with his new, inspiring issues of change and fairness:

1. All salespeople will be pooling their sales commissions into a common pool that will be divided equally between all of you. This will serve to give those of you who are underachieving a “fair shake.”

2. All hourly employees will be pooling their wages, including overtime, into a common pool, dividing it equally amongst yourselves. This will help those who are “too busy for overtime” to reap the rewards from those who have more spare time and can work extra hours.

3. All top management will now be referred to as “the government.” We will not participate in this “pooling” experience because the law doesn't apply to us.

4. The “government” will give eloquent speeches to all employees every week, encouraging its workers to continue to work hard “for the good of all.”

5. The employees will be thrilled with these new policies because it's “good to spread the wealth.” Those of you who have underachieved will finally get an opportunity; those of you who have worked hard and had success will feel more “patriotic.”

6. The last few people who were hired should clean out their desks. Don't feel bad though, because President Obama will give you free healthcare, free handouts, free oil for heating your home, free food stamps, and he'll let you stay in your home for as long as you want even if you can't pay your mortgage. If you appeal directly to our democratic congress, you might even get a free flat screen TV and a coupon for free haircuts (shouldn't all Americans be entitled to nice looking hair?) !!!

Comeback!

Father Quinn rose from his bed early one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:

'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you? And the best of the day te yerself.'

'This is Father Quinn at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o 'yer lads to take care of the matter?'

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,

'Well now, Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!'

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment ......

Then Father Quinn replied: 'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.
'

The Caring Lawyer

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back
of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by
the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he
got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said
to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second
man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task,
even for a car as large as the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you
are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home
is about two feet tall!"

Fellow Business Executives:

As the CFO of this business that employees 140 people, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our next President, and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.
To compensate for these increases, I figure that the clients will have to see an increase in our fees to them of about 8% but since we cannot increase our fees right now due to the dismal state of our economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This has really been
eating at me for a while, as we believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who will have to go.
So, this is what I did. I strolled thru our parking lot and found 8 Obama bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the first to be laid off. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. These folks wanted change; I gave it to them.
If you have a better idea, let me know.
Sincerely,
Your Boss

Grampa

A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a
grandpa and his poorly behaving 3 year-old grandson. At
every turn. Its obvious gramps has his hands full with the
kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the
cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda. Meanwhile
gramps is working his way around saying in a controlled
voice, "Easy Albert, we won't be long, easy
boy"
Another outburst and she hears gramps calmly say,
"It's OK Albert, just a couple more minutes and
we'll be outta here, hang in there.

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items
from the cart and gramps again in a controlled voice is
saying, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get
upset -- we'll be home in five minutes; stay cool,
Albert".

Very impressed the woman goes up to gramps as he's
loading the kid and the groceries into the car and says,
"You know sir, it's none of my business, but you
were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. The
whole time you kept your composure and no matter how loud
and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things
would be OK. Albert is very lucky to have you for his
grandpa".

"Thanks, lady," said gramps, "but
I'm Albert -- the little shit's name is
Johnny".

RYE BREAD

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you
have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves. She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves..by the time
you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied , "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this but me."

No Hard Feelings...

From Republicans to Democrats
The election day is over,
The talking is done.
My party lost, your party won.
So let us be friends,
Let arguments pass.
I'll hug my elephant,
You kiss your ass.