Chemical Analysis

HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SYSTEM - MATERIAL SAFETY
DATA SHEET

WOMEN: A Chemical Analysis

ELEMENT: Woman

SYMBOL: Wo

DISCOVERER: Adam

ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 118 lbs., but known to vary
from 75 to 550 lbs.

OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities throughout the world

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface usually covered with a painted film.

2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.

3. Melts if given special treatment.

4. Bitter if incorrectly used.

5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal
to common ore.

6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum,
and precious stones.

2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.

3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning,
and for no known reason.

4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased
by saturation in alcohol.

5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.

2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.

3. Very effective cleaning agent.

TESTS:

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in
natural state.

2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARDS:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.

2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several
can be maintained at different locations as long as
specimens do not come into direct contact with each
other.



HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET - MATERIALS
SAFETY DATA SHEET

MEN: A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

ELEMENT: MAN

SYMBOL: Ego

DISCOVERER: Eve. Discovered by accident one day
when she had a craving for ribs.

ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 170 lbs, known to vary
from 98 to 360 lbs.

OCCURRENCE: Large quantities in all populated
areas. Highly concentrated deposits at all sporting
events and areas known as "singles bars".

Extremely low quantities can be found in any location
where cleaning up is required. (See Women and Slave
Labor)

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface often covered with hair--bristly in some
areas, soft in others.

2. Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with
Logic and Common Sense.

3. Melts if treated like a God.

4. Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle
with extreme caution.

5. Specimens can be found in various states ranging
from deeply sensitive to extremely thick.

6. Becomes stubborn and unyielding when pressure is
applied; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery
are applied.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Is repelled by concentrated quantities of precious
and semi-precious metals and stones (See Jewelery Store).
However, is attracted to quantities of these when viewed
worn against the skin of a woman. It is believed woman's
skin combines with the aforementioned to create a highly
magnetic attraction for this element.

2. May explode spontaneously if wallet is opened.

3. Requires copious quantities of substances known as
attention, reassurance, and stroking.

4. When saturated with Alcohol will be fairly inert
and will repel most other elements.

5. Is repelled by most household appliances and common
household cleansers.

6. Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers,
particularly those of the malodorous variety.

7. Is rendered non-functional when confronted with the
items in #5 & #6.

8. Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.

9. Is impervious to embarrassment.

10. Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent
known to woman.